United Airlines botches rabbit meal, promises to do better

In its first attempt to serve rabbit meat, United Airlines botched the meal by cremating the poor critter. What could have been gourmet food was burnt to a crisp and virtually cremated.

Following recent PR disasters involving the forcible removal of a paying passenger, United Airlines incensed the public yet again when froze a Continental Giant rabbit named Simon and improperly cooked it on a sixteen-hour flight from London to Chicago.

“We’ve been focusing so much on the negative these days, you know, with that pain-in-the-ass passenger we had to drag off the plane and all that shit, so we figured it’s time for change,” said CEO Oscar Munoz.  “We thought, ‘Hey, why not defrost Simon and eat him since he’s already dead,’ you know?”

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A Continental Giant rabbit

Flight attendants instructed to defrost Simon were dismayed when they found that the rabbit had already been defrosted and improperly cooked by untrained personnel.

“They practically cremated him,” said flight attendant Tom Bruise. “He was inedible. We really fucked that one up. I mean, is there one thing we can’t manage to fuck up?”

United issued a public apology following the botched meal, and promises to deliver consistently high-quality rabbit meals in the future.

 

Kenny G assaults Delta passengers with nonconsensual sax

Los Angeles—Trapped in an airplane flying at 39,000 ft, Delta passengers failed to escape the unsolicited advances of Kenny Gorelick, more commonly known by his sobriquet Kenny G.

The frizzy-haired multimillionaire took advantage of a turbulent flight in which passengers were hopelessly strapped to their chairs. Having violated the passengers’ eardrums, Mr. Gorelick made overtures to the flight attendants, who ran into the cockpit and stayed there until the sax predator finally chilled out and returned to his seat.

kenny-g delta

The curly-haired sax predator smiles mischievously as he assaults the passengers’ eardrums.

“I had to wait until Kenny G was back at his designated spot,” cried stewardess Miles Coltrane. “Oh God, I can’t believe he did that to me!”

“Kenny G harassed me multiple times on that flight,” said renowned pianist Dick Hyman. “He said he’d blow if I’d donate money to charity. I told him I don’t like the sound of that, and then he asked if I like phone sax. What obscenity!”

Delta apologized for the incident this morning, and assured everyone that they will “re-accommodate” Mr. Gorelick next time he attempts to engage in nonconsensual sax.

Lonely housewife seeks rich, handsome, confident, manly psychopath who can take good care of her

After her low-life husband left her for another woman, local housewife Kirsten Dunce took proactive measures to find a man who is rich, confident, and just psychopathic enough to take good care of her.

Approximately 1 percent of the general population is blessed with psychopathy, officially called Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fifth edition (DSM-5). Virtually all of these lucky people are male. Symptoms of psychopathy include killer charm, roguish good looks, and intractable, red-blooded strength.

It is thus no surprise that, contrary to popular belief, many psychopaths have long turned away from such base pleasures as serial killing and raping to such loftier pursuits as practicing law, ruling Syria, and being the President of the United States.

“I need a handsome, charming fella who can take good care of me,” Mrs. Dunce said thoughtfully. “He also has to be rich and confident, and maybe fall somewhere near the middle of the Antisocial Personality Disorder spectrum so that he has the balls to grab women by the pussy.”

Mrs. Dunce is currently choosing between two men: Ted, a dashing, young attorney at the white shoe firm Bundy LLP, and Jeffrey, a brilliant businessman and founder of the fast food chain Dahmer Legs and Wings.

While her standards of romance are high, Mrs. Dunce said she will “keep an open mind.”

Customer service assistant swears he’ll repeatedly stab you in the throat with his Bic ballpoint pen

ALBUQUERQUE—Having had enough of your bullshit, a customer service assistant “just snapped” yesterday and swore that he will, at an unspecified time in the future, repeatedly stab you in the throat with his Bic ballpoint pen.

Jerry, who is an employee at the fast food chain Los Pollos Hermanos, said that “I have killed before, and I will kill again. I will stab you, and stab you, and stab you. You’ll be spraying and splattering blood on my face, and I’ll be smiling at you when that happens.”

The customer service assistant’s neighbors confirmed that the man is of sound mind and has a social life. One neighbor said, “Jerry’s a pretty cool guy. We cook ribs with that guy. He’s just a normal, well-adjusted guy who comes out and washes his motorcycle and stuff, and sometimes we just have a beer together and chat on my front porch.”

bic pens

Customer service assistants can use their Bic ballpoint pens to stab you to death.

Another neighbor said, “Jerry is the most genuine person I know. When he says “How may I be of assistance to you?’, he means every word of it. When he asks you if ‘everything is to your satisfaction’, you know for sure that he wants to do his best. So, if he says he’ll be smiling when he slits your fucking throat, well, is that smile real? You bet it is.”

Sources confirmed that Jerry intends to shove your body into a polyethylene barrel, carefully pour hydrofluoric acid into the container, and wait until your corporeal identity has dissolved into a nameless sludge before loading the container into a nondescript truck headed for Mexico. “The trick is to sort of fold your body so that we can squish it in the container,” he said. “Otherwise, I’ll have to hack you to pieces and put your torso into one container, and your legs into another. Now, that’s just too time-consuming, wouldn’t you agree?”

hydrofluoric acid Breaking Bad

According to Jerry, a good way to dispose of a body is to dump it in a barrel into which one then pours hydrofluoric acid.

Fireproof edition of Fahrenheit 451 available after Trump burned books to quell civil unrest

Two weeks after Trump issued Executive Order 19840, which ordered the burning of books deemed by the White House to be inappropriate for the public, Oxford University Press decided to publish a fireproof version of Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451.

Written by an avid library-goer who never went to college, the classic novel recounts the tale of a dystopian future in which all books are banned in the name of keeping people safe and happy.

Trump signed the Executive Order in response to a recent spate of disillusioned Americans who wanted to restore stability to a country torn by violent sociopolitical disagreements.

He said, “Coloured people don’t like Little Black Sambo. Burn it. White people don’t feel good about Uncle Tom’s Cabin. Burn it. Someone’s written a book on tobacco and cancer of the lungs? The cigarette people are weeping? Burn the book.”

The president’s plan backfired. Citing their right to assemble peaceably under the First Amendment, thousands of people from across the nation staged protests against the Executive Order. Riots broke out in major cities. Twelve people reportedly died in Portland as a result of the civil unrest, and hundreds of protesters and riot police are in critical condition.

Not long after the riots broke out, universities in the English-speaking world developed the first-ever fireproof edition of Fahrenheit 451, which some government officials are calling “treacherous and morally repugnant.”

Attorney General Jeff Sessions stated in a press briefing, “The First Amendment guarantees us the right to assemble peaceably. What they do not give us is the right to assemble when people’s safety is at stake. Books contain conflicting, confusing, and controversial ideas that often threaten national security. To assemble in any way, shape or form for the purpose of promoting or condoning the dissemination of books that have not been federally approved is wrong. Period.

Fahrenheit 351 [sic] is the epitome of everything that is treacherous and morally repugnant. It is unfortunate that America’s youth are being corrupted by the ramblings of a dead madman who didn’t even go to college.

“It is even more concerning that the left and their cabal of book-reading lunatics are terrorizing the nation with these so-called peaceful protests, that they are immortalizing a dangerous book that is on a par with Mein Kampf and ISIS propaganda.”

As of this morning, firemen have been deployed in all major cities in America to burn books. Destroyed literature ranges from Dr. Seuss to Plato.

After making the new edition of Fahrenheit 451 available to the public, Oxford University Press will release fireproof editions of George Orwell’s 1984, Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World, John Stuart Mill’s On Liberty, and the United States Constitution.

Trump’s book, The Art of the Deal, is not on the lengthy list of books deemed inappropriate by the White House.

Artistically talented kid squirts ketchup and mustard with impunity, continues to create masterpieces

KANSAS CITY—”Look,” said 10-year-old Marina as she squirted ketchup on the floor. “Jackson Pollock.”

But Marina is no Jackson Pollock. In fact, she is better than Pollock. Whereas Pollock’s 1948 masterpiece, “No. 5”, reportedly was sold for 165.4 million dollars in 2006, Tanya’s “No. 500” is estimated to be worth 173 million dollars. The nearly priceless work currently hangs in the Metropolitan Museum of Art. The rest of her works are on display at The Guggenheim.

Marina is a straight-A student and one of five legendary artists at Faxon Elementary School, a bastion of artistic rebels and intellectual iconoclasts. Like her colleagues, she can do whatever she pleases. Last year, she threw a baseball into the principal’s office on purpose so that she would be sent to detention, during which she crawled onto a ceiling light fixture and refused to come down for three days.

Dozens of parents and teachers cheered and clapped as she finally descended, albeit in a semi-starved state. Her father, her biggest fan, exclaimed as she hit the floor, “Now that’s what I call performance art!”

Jackson Pollock No. 5

“Theatre is fake … The knife is not real, the blood is not real, and the emotions are not real. Performance is just the opposite: the knife is real, the blood is real, and the emotions are real,” Marina said to a crowd of nodding heads. “And that’s how I am inspired to do my next work. Hot dogs are fake. Hamburgers are fake. But when I squirt ketchup and mustard on the floor like this—look! Look! Look!—that’s real.”

“As parents, we have a responsibility to ensure that our children flourish,” said Marina’s father, Peter Depardieu. “You don’t wanna try to make an oak tree grow like a willow, or have a cactus grow like a euphorb. Likewise, our children have a tendency to grow in their own ways, and we must encourage that lest we get another generation of boring, average Americans.”

Unfortunately, not everyone at the school sympathizes with Mr. Depardieu. Some of Marina’s less talented peers have been banned by the school from making art because they just “make a mess,” as some teachers put it. “I tried to tell teachers to allow my friends to do whatever they want as well,” she said. “But my friends get B’s and C’s, so they’ll just get in trouble if they do that.”

Some of those less-than-stellar students are already considered juvenile delinquents who have no hope in life. One was sent to a mental institution for squirting relish on walls.

On a more positive note, Marina announced that her next work will involve charcoal, walnut oil, and deodorized dog pee.

CNN robot Wolf Blitzer goes on the fritz, upgraded to Windows 95

Computer technicians installed Windows 95 in CNN robot Wolf Blitzer after the monotonous anchor stuttered, sputtered, and crashed on live television.

“The House (gasp) Intelligence Committee investigation is looking into whether, uh, the Russians colluded with Trump associates (gasp) and you’re working in coordination with the FBI (gasp) criminal investigation (gasp) that James Comey … Beep! Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!” the Blitzer machine said before it quit.

“Mr. Blitzer went on the fritz and showed us the blue screen of death,” said CNN savior Anderson Cooper. “We pressed ‘ctrl + alt + delete’ a dozen times, then finally gave up and replaced half of his hardware and put in the brand new Windows system.”

Sources confirmed that the hoary Blitzer machine now has a new taskbar and a “Start” button.

Robot TV personalities are commonplace in American news networks. Some artificial intelligence anchors at MSNBC allegedly run on macOS 10.2 Sierra. Fox News’s Bill O’Reilly runs on Windows XP, though he is infected with multiple Trojan Horse viruses after being hacked by Russians.

Churches offer free apostate exams to men over 50

Concerned about the recent upswing in religious skepticism, churches are offering free apostate exams to men over 50.

The Digital Rector Exam (DRE), more commonly known as the apostate exam, is an internal examination of one’s soul, performed by a religious authority figure. The procedure was traditionally done by rectors, administrative leaders in certain Christian denominations.

“An apostate exam should be conducted once every six months,” said Rev. Samuel Alexander, as he inserted a finger into an elderly patient’s soul. “Most men over 50 have gone through a lot of stress in their lives, and sometimes multiple crises. They sometimes question God’s existence, and are at higher risk of defecating [sic].”

Apostasy first became formally criminalized in the 4th century, when the Roman Empire adopted a set of laws known as the Theodosian Code. While apostasy in Christianity is no longer a criminal offense, it is still worrisome to serious believers.

Religious leaders of Islam and Judaism are reportedly emulating the churches’ success, and are in the planning stages of setting up apostate exams in mosques and synagogues.

Dog tells humans exactly what is wrong with ‘good-hearted’ owners

Moved to tears by a movie about a faithful dog, a family finally played with their beagle after ignoring him for months. Disillusioned, the beagle escaped from his owners, who five months later bought another purebred in an attempt to mend their dysfunctional, bleeding hearts.

The renegade beagle, Roger, is the only dog in the world capable of experiencing complex human emotions, forming second-order desires, and comprehending abstract ideas on a level that surpasses that of the average human.

“Admit it: Dogs as a species are objectively unintelligent,” Roger said with a hint of self-deprecation. “But humans must treat a dog with the same respect as they would a cognitively impaired human. Why? Because there is no morally relevant difference between a stupid dog and an extraordinarily stupid human. We’re different species. So what? A dog and a mentally incapacitated human are equally incapable of participating in the full range of uniquely human activities. So why treat us differently?”

When reporters asked Roger why he hasn’t spoken those words of wisdom to his former owners, the dog laughed. “Of course I have,” he said. “But they’re too dumb to understand what I was saying anyway. Sometimes they care more about me when they watch some sappy movie about some dog who remains loyal to his owner who’s been dead for years. Sometimes they seem to have a sense of justice when they hear about some animal ethics movement on the news. Other times, they just shrug.

“The main reason they got me in the first place was that they wanted a friend, a companion, something to make them feel good about themselves. So, they thought of me at the outset as some kind of emotional tampon.

“The moral value of even their kindest actions are diminished by the fact that they don’t have a sense of duty derived from rationality, a sense of duty that is immune to the vicissitudes of their fickle hearts. I’d rather have a responsible robot for an owner than some unreliable, if good-hearted, human.”

Having completed his monologue, Roger urinated on a fire hydrant and dug into a pungent bone he had unearthed from the depths of dumpster hell. He devoured the bone in seconds and looked up at us. “Fuck you humans,” he remarked abruptly before walking off and going on with his life as we stood there in shock, and then in tears.

‘You like that, bruh? Yeah, you do’: Man gets six-pack by talking to himself

SEATTLE—Struggling with his last set of shoulder presses, Jimmy put on his war face, verbally encouraged himself, and got a six-pack.

“You can do this, bruh. Yes you can. Come on, bruh. Pump that shit. You like that, bruh? You like that shit? Yeah, you do. Yeah, you do,” he said to himself before his midriff shed ten pounds of fat to reveal stunning, washboard abs.

Jimmy has been hitting the gym once a week for the past two weeks, but had not seen much improvement until this morning, when he decided to use words of encouragement on himself. “It’s literally insane that I’ve never thought of doing that,” said Jimmy. “I see guys do it to other guys all the time, so, I thought, why can’t I do that to myself? Then I said, ‘Of course you can, bruh. Of course’.”

The successful bodybuilder also maximizes his workout efficiency by drinking a vanilla milkshake made of GNC’s Proprietary Thermosculpting Blend: X-treme ManShake Technology® while listening to his custom playlist consisting mostly of Alan Walker and Darude Sandstorm.

He advises everyone to drink a protein shake always after working out, never before, and always with organic soy milk kept at room temperature.