MILTON, MA—Railroad tycoon Cornelius Tunt visited the Milton Academy this Thursday to urge young students to finish their cigars.

Tunt explained to all 305 students in the lower school (Kindergarten through Grade 8) that there are more than 200 million undernourished people in sub-Saharan Africa today, and that those people are so poor that they can’t afford smokes. “Know how lucky you are,” he said. “There are children in Africa who cannot afford smokes. Underprivileged children can only afford cigarettes. Finish your cigars.”

The tycoon then distributed a generous quantity of pre-embargo Cuban cigars to the students, each of whom were equipped with a gold Dupont lighter that they didn’t know how to use. Schoolteachers assisted the students, teaching them with great individual attention how to toast a cigar and adhere to proper smoking etiquette. Soon, the students learned to open their lighters, and the inimitable “ping” sound of the coveted torch rang throughout the auditorium.

“Our children don’t appreciate a good Cuban because they are feckless ingrates that have abandoned the capitalistic spirit of the men who made this country what it is today,” Tunt fumed. “My job is to turn boys into men, and women into compassionate leaders who can empathize with the plight of the most disadvantaged segments of society.”

Faculty and students reported that the Tunt visit was a “great success” and that nearly half of the students managed to smoke their cigars to the last five inches. “I coughed so much,” said first grader James Cavanaugh. “But my teacher smiled, so I think I did good.”

In light of the overwhelmingly positive reception, Tunt is scheduled to visit Milton next month to urge students to finish their Scotch.