Tag: american school in taichung

Asian motorcycle gang arrested for speeding and other less serious crimes

TAICHUNG–Four members of the infamous Taiwanese motorcycle gang Hell’s Angles have been arrested on charges of speeding and other less serious misdemeanors such as drug trafficking, prostitution, and extortion.

The Angles, also  known as the 90-Degree Hot Rods, started out as no more than a couple of little punks stealing cars, murdering prostitutes, and attempting to mimic the lives of characters in the Grand Theft Auto video games, but the unscrupulous hoodlums soon realized they had a knack for the criminal way of life and thus began flagrantly motorcycle racing in the streets of Taiwan and occasionally riding faster than 30 kilometers per hour, endangering the lives of us law-abiding citizens.

Be careful what you listen to: ‘Canon in D’ causes cancer

BALTIMORE—A new study published in the New England Journal of Medicine found that people who listen to bad music are three times as likely as people with good musical tastes to develop certain types of cancer. Though bad music is overwhelmingly found in K-pop, Canto-pop, Mando-pop, and anything in the USA Singles Top 40, several pieces of classical music are also proven to be highly carcinogenic, scientists warn.

The popular “Canon in D” by Johann Pachelbel, long recognized by established musicians as an objectively bad piece of music, is a case in point. “Even amateur musicians know that ‘Canon in D’ is an uninspired collection of melodic clichés,” said Dustin Huffman, a third grader at the American School in Taichung. “As soon as I hear my peers play that piece for the tenth, hundredth, thousandth, billionth goddamn time, I know that it’s time to GTFO,” said Dustin.

“‘Canon in D’ contains an uninspired harmonic progression full of triads,” said Dustin’s music teacher, Michael Wiles. “It does not even contain altered dominant chords, let alone seventh chords,” he said angrily, adding that “pretty much every student I’ve had in the past ten years doesn’t know what an altered dominant chord is, and that’s just sad, because they might get cancer and die before they can appreciate the beauty of Bach.”

At the American School in Taichung, biology teacher Lily Hsu cautioned students to know what they’re listening to. “The relationship between music and science is, for want of a better term, sacred,” she said. “Every intellectually responsible human being who does not want to die early from scientific ignorance should know the musical theoretical underpinnings of every song they listen to, and how all of that can cause malignant brain tumors.”

In addition to having deleterious neurological effects, bad music like “Canon in D” also causes short-term increases in blood pressure, cholesterol, and dihydrotesterone (DHT), an endogenous androgen sex steroid and hormone responsible for baldness. Over time, listeners are at an increased risk of testicular cancer and leukemia.

A group of scientists at Johns Hopkins have already begun to search for the link between bad music and cancer, and the results are promising. In a double-blind study consisting of 224 healthy participants, more than half of those who developed one form of cancer had a habit of listening to noise pollutants. “There is a reason ‘The Maiden’s Prayer’ is known as the ‘Garbage Truck Song’ in Taiwan,” says Centennial Professor of Neuroscience Gale Somerset. “Such music embarrassments are known to contain certain sound waves conducive to noise pollution, and thus pollution of the brain and the human body.”

Scientists and musicians urge listeners to listen to jazz, blues, and soul instead, and legislators in multiple states have already begun to push for bills that may outlaw Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus, and other so-called artists.

Third grader locks himself in Skinner box in failed attempt to achieve enlightenment

TAICHUNG, TAIWAN—While teachers convened in preparation for a PTA meeting, American School in Taichung (AST) 8-year-old student Dustin Huffman sought nirvana in the science lab, to which he gained unauthorized access using a crowbar he had stolen from the general affairs office.

Designed in accordance to the reward-and-punishment system made famous by the eponymous behavioral psychologist B.F. Skinner, the 6 x 6 foot box contains an intricate system of buttons and levers which the human or non-human animal within must learn to manipulate.

Upon entering the container, Dustin suppressed every urge to work for a treat so that he could live the life of an ascetic. At 3 p.m., when Dustin was at the brink of achieving nirvana, AST veteran Lily Hsu walked into the room to pick up a a biology textbook, scaring the boy home.

City government contributes 2 billion dollars to high school field trip fundraiser to combat teenage depression

TAICHUNG, TAIWAN—In an effort to combat teenage depression, the city government of Taichung has promised to contribute more than two billion dollars to a high school field trip fundraiser at the American School in Taichung (AST).
The government’s largesse comes after months of heated debate among government officials on the most effective methods to battle teenage depression. “Our children come home crestfallen every day because they don’t go on field trips. Yesterday, my youngest daughter came home from school with tears in her eyes because she could not go to the Froggy Jump machine at the Janfushan Amusement Park,” said Yu Tu Chep, an accountant and father of four.
The health consequences of field trip deprivation may be dire. Every year, 2.5 million Taiwanese children suffer from Field Trip Deficiency Syndrome, or FTDS, a serious mental disorder characterized by major depression and chronic diarrhea. “There is no known cure for FTDS,” stated Doctor Hu Sou Sik of the University of Hong Kong. “I am happy to see that the billions of dollars given to AST will be put to good use.