Tag: anal

Psych patient no longer anal retentive after therapy in public restroom

HAMBURG—After suffering from chronic anal retention for thirty years, a psychiatric patient has finally been cured in a public restroom.

Guy Blöde, 33, put on his noise-cancelling headphones on Monday as he entered a gas station bathroom stall to commence what his psychiatrist calls “Long Distance Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (LDCBT),” the only long-distance form of psychotherapy that is scientifically proven to be efficacious.

LDCBT is typically done via Skype. Normally, the psychiatrist calls the patient to begin the session, and the patient is guided to modify thoughts and behaviors detrimental to his mental wellbeing.

“I told him that therapy should ideally be done in a quiet and comfortable setting free of distractions,” said Dr. Blair Watson. “He said he has an appointment after ours and was out on the streets and might be late, so he rushed into the quietest place he could find as fast as he could and called me two minutes late.”

Blöde was asked to identify irrational thoughts that have negatively impacted his emotional life, and to stop catastrophizing every situation that he perceives to be undesirable.

“Bathroom therapy is some good shit,” he said. “I didn’t know I could do it, but I did. I thought defecating is dirty and dangerous. But I forgot I was in the bathroom because of my noise-cancelling headphones. Then I spontaneously expelled my stuff as I sat on that toilet seat, and realized everything was still safe around me.”

Dr. Watson said that she has also incorporated what psychiatrists call “systematic desensitization” to their therapy sessions. This means that the psychiatrist gradually exposes the patient to his deepest fears in a safe setting so that he can learn that everything is all good and shit.

“Why have I never thought of that?” said Dr. Watson. “I didn’t even know he was in a public toilet until he told me at the end of the session. Then I thought about all that watery noise I heard and now everything makes sense. I mean, he didn’t even remember to take off his pants, and it’s good that he doesn’t give a shit.”

Uptight Trump says Russian probe “really hurts,” begs for bipartisan lubrication

WASHINGTON—An uptight Trump is begging politicians for political lubrication as the special prosecutor continues to probe him.

“It’s a little too rough for me now,” tweeted the President. “There are some bad, bad men who take pleasure in my pain when I need bipartisan lubrication.”

White House sources report that the President is becoming increasingly agitated, paranoid, and irrational, and that a rectal obstruction from which he is allegedly suffering is now under threat of being penetrated by Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller and other hardheaded Democrats.

In his effort to appease the agitated president, Kremlin Press Secretary Dmitry Peskov told Trump, “There is nothing to worry about, my friend. In Soviet Russia, you don’t urinate on whores. Government urinate and shit on you. Oh, shit. Wait … that’s not the way the joke works, is it?”

“The President attempted to obstruct the probe by firing [FBI Director] James Comey,” said Trump’s lawyer Jaw Sekulow. “I’m just a new guy on his legal team. I don’t know him well. Fuck it. I guess I’ll quit while I’m ahead.”