Tag: autism

Rain Man annoys hipsters by flawlessly quoting Nietzsche, eats organic tapioca puddings

COLUMBUS—Autistic savant Raymond Babbitt has incensed an exclusive group of hipsters who quote passages from philosophers whom everyone has heard of but doesn’t really understand.

“God is dead. God remains dead. And we have killed him,” he recited repeatedly during poetry night at Kafe Kerouac, Columbus’s ultimate bastion of genuine hipsterdom. “Nietzsche, my main man!”

Jealous of Mr. Babbitt’s formidable philosophical quoting abilities, swathes of scarf-wearing, artisanal cheese-eating minions of America’s moribund liberal arts culture have attempted to overshadow the autistic savant’s brilliance by quoting passages from Hegel, Kierkegaard, and Derrida.

Mr. Babbitt, however, was not dissuaded by the green-eyed hipsters. “The body is our general medium for having a world,” he said, echoing Merleau Ponty. “Yeah. Merleau Ponty. My main man.”

Derided by many academic philosophers as an overrated pseudointellectual charlatan, Derrida is now Raymond Babbitt’s “main man.”

Unfortunately for Mr. Babbitt, it seems that hipsters are not the only people who are unhappy about his achievements. Professor of philosophy Bruce Mayer Ginsburg lamented, “It’s sad to see such brilliance go to waste. We have someone who can count toothpicks faster than Bertrand Russell, who could have revolutionized logic before Saul Kripke came along, or been recognized as a crucial figure in American politics like John Rawls, or even ruled the Roman Empire like Marcus Aurelius.

“Instead of doing good academic philosophy, or counting cards, or whatever rain men like to do, he sits around in his artisanal jacket sipping seven-dollar vegan espresso drinks with ridiculous names like ‘Of Mice and Zen’. He complains about the nutritional value of Qantas Airlines’s organic tapioca pudding. He says he has to get an undercut. He’ll throw a tantrum in thirty seconds if he has to use Windows instead of Mac.”

When Beagle reporters asked Mr. Babbitt to comment, the savant said that his accusers were “mansplaining.” He added, “To pretend, I actually do the thing: I have therefore only pretended to pretend. Main mansplaining. Uh-oh! UH-OH! Ow! Ow! OW!”

He explained, “Derrida. My main man.”

Autistic woman with debilitating brain disorder teaches entire school the essentials of public speaking

TAICHUNG, TAIWAN—All 190 students enrolled in an international school in Taiwan attended a course taught by 60-year-old Egyptian Aazeen Nagra, who, in spite of her diagnosis with severe autism, taught the student body how to communicate verbally and effectively.

In addition to being autistic, Ms. Nagra suffers from expressive aphasia, a disorder that results from abnormalities in the Broca’s area, a part of the brain that controls speech.

Ms. Nagra flew from Egypt to Taiwan in 2002 to learn Mandarin, shocking the scientific community just four years later when she became fluent in Mandarin. She became an international phenomenon when, in 2015, she delivered a TED talk in Marrakesh, Morocco, in three languages: English, Arabic, and Mandarin.

At the international school, Ms. Nagra urged students to be both “confident and eloquent” in the face of adversity. She proclaimed at the end of her speech: “In this vicious world, in the face of all our travails,  the most lethal weapon we have at our disposal is language. The written word is your sword. The spoken word is your nuclear bomb. So stand up. Be confident and eloquent. Stop being a pussy and grow some cojones and use the voice your mother and God gave you. For God’s sake, what’s wrong with you? Yes. You right there. I’m talking to you, you pansy.”

Upon hearing these words, students gave Ms. Nagra a standing ovation, had a fruitful and lively Q and A session with her, and left at the end of the event in high spirits and with the conviction that they will, one day, become accomplished orators.