LOS ANGELES—The man who assassinated Hugh Hefner is reportedly cavorting and fornicating with scores of ebullient, barely legal, scantily-clad women who until recently lived with the founder of the Playboy empire.
Mike Ehrmantraut, 69, infiltrated the Playboy Mansion in Holmby Hills more than a week ago, using only his wrinkled old fingers as lock picks to break into a secret underground passageway that leads to a luxurious wine cellar.
Disguised as a young cocktail waitress, Ehrmantraut laced a bottle of Zafiro Añejo tequila with ricin, a deadly and difficult-to-trace neurotoxin, before serving the fatal drink to the unabashed and elderly Lothario.
Due to poor eyesight, Hefner, 91, mistook Ehrmantraut for a woman and promptly quaffed the tequila without suspicion. Ehrmantraut waited for a week for Hefner to pass away, and then removed the victim’s iconic red velvet robe and silk pajamas before changing into them, professing to be the world’s newest and most eminent playboy.
“When I set my mind on something, I do it,” Ehrmantraut stated to reporters. “I take full measures only and the girls know they deserve something better than Hugh’s four-inch measure.”
Ehrmantraut was last seen in a jacuzzi with five other women with whom he was sharing a generous portion of pimento cheese and caviar. All the girls seem to love Ehrmantraut more than they loved Hefner.
ALBUQUERQUE—A methamphetamine manufacturer tried to kill a cockroach by means of chemical disincorporation. He failed to do so, and is still looking for a polyurethane container big enough to fit the cockroach.
After accidentally breaking a bad fly swatter, Jamie Yeoman, 25, took a bottle of hydrochloric acid off the shelf, squirting it at a gargantuan Madagascar cockroach that contaminated his hitherto immaculate laboratory. Although aggressive, his tactic was far from lethal, and the cockroach, which as a species is said to be able to withstand 2,000 times the amount of radiation considered lethal for humans, absconded unscathed.
“That lab is, like, my private domicile, yo,” he said. “Bitch.”
The chemist is still searching for a polyurethane container big enough to fit the cockroach. On the bottom of the container should be stamped the letters “LDPE.”
If you have any potentially helpful information for Mr. Yeoman, please call 148-3, 3-to-the-3-to-the-6-to-the-9, representing the ABQ. Waddup, beyotch? Leave it at the tone.
ALBUQUERQUE—After falling victim to a massive Ponzi Scheme, three men are looking to alleviate their financial troubles by selling their lush eyebrows to the wig company Romero Wigs.
“When I was just a little boy, my mother would read me stories like ‘The Gift of the Magi’,” said Dr. Zachary Quinto, who came up with the idea. “I remember how women in those stories would sell their hair for money, so I thought, hey, why not sell eyebrows?”
Fellow eyebrow seller and police officer Nestor Carbonell, however, was less optimistic. “You think I like giving up my eyebrows?” he said. “You don’t look at me or my eyebrows. If you so much as peek at my face, I’ll cut your fucking throat and shove it up your ass.”
“As for me, I like to think that I’m a realist,” said eyebrow seller Marius Stan. “You see, I’ve been working at this car wash for more than 20 years, and it’s not easy. Life is tough. A man has to be tough. A man has to do what he has to do. These are just eyebrows, no?”
The three men reportedly deliberated among each other for hours before reaching the verdict that yes, their eyebrows should be sold, and yes, their is nothing they can do about it but stick their faces in pillows and cry themselves to sleep. At one point, Mr. Carbonell broke down, choking back tears. “We’re not as menacing as our eyebrows might imply,” he sniffled.
A Romero Wigs spokesperson remarked, “Zack and Nestor and Marius have nothing to worry about. I mean, their eyebrows are gonna grow back in a few weeks. Right now, those eyebrows aren’t just lush. They’re redundant, so we’re probably doing them a favor.”
The men’s eyebrows, deemed by experts to be of exceptional quality, are priced at 200 dollars per brow. The market price for a mediocre eyebrow is 100 dollars.
WASHINGTON—President Clown Donald McDonald, who last year promised to make “America fat again,” sent troops to seize food from foreign countries that the United States deems to be a threat to its status as one of the most obese nations in the world.
More than 3,000 troops were deployed on Wednesday to Kiribati, the Marshall Islands, and the Cook Islands, each of which boasts an obesity rate that surpasses that of the United States.
“We don’t know what the hell’s going on in these countries and we haven’t even heard of those guys until now, but we know that if they’re fatter than us, then that’s very, very bad,” McDonald tweeted this morning.
The President Clown has tweeted twelve more times in the past few hours. His second tweet, sent just five minutes after the previous, was considered by much of the international community as xenophobic and, ironically, cacomorphobic (fear of fat people). He wrote, “When Kiribati people eat, they’re getting fatter than us, and those people peddle drugs and commit crimes. They’re rapists. Fat rapists. And some, I assume, are good, fat people.”
No sooner had the President Clown tweeted a second time than he once again tweeted: “Fat foreigners are not my enemy. They are the enemy of the American obese. Bad (or sick!) fatlanders!”
The President Clown tweeted, moments later, “Americans must show the world that we are and will remain a globular superpower!”
In the ensuing hours, Senator John McCain repeatedly railed against the President Clown’s unexpected outburst, calling him a “horizontally and politically challenged disgrace to the American people.” He added, “Donald is a fat hypocrite. He condemns foreigners as fat, yet he himself is an obese bully who uses diabetes, high blood pressure, cancer, and other McDonald weapons on his own people.”
Political experts told Americans not to pay attention to the President Clown’s tweets, saying that it is the President Clown’s way of distracting Americans from more pressing problems. Saul Goodman, a professor of political science at George Washington University, said that “the President Clown is hurting millions of innocent people living on these island nations and Americans are focusing on those goddamn tweets. What’s the most pressing problems? Frankly, I have no idea. But those tweets are not one of them.”
Meanwhile, an Asian man was falsely accused of smuggling weapons of MacDestruction onto a United Airlines flight headed for the Cook Islands, and airport security was filmed manhandling the man and throwing him out the plane.
Also, Russia is angry at McDonald for invading the island nations.