Tag: books

Professor masters art of filling bookshelf with books he will never read

EVANSTON, IL—A preeminent philosopher at an elite university has perfected the art of haphazardly filling his bookshelf with books he will never read.

Jacques Johnson, 63, said, “I have everything here. Like, everything. I’ve got Kant, Locke, Leibniz, Plato, Aristotle, the Presocratics, Russell, Kripke, Anscombe, Searle, Ryle, Ayer, Grice, Frege, and dozens of people who are still alive like Michael Huemer and whoever as well as Derrida. My pretheoretical intuition is that I will never read Derrida, since I know Derrida is full of shit even though I’ve never read his works and don’t ever want to. Well, I don’t think I’ll read any of the other stuff either.”

While his colleagues specialize in topics ranging from noncognitivism to meta-meta-logic, Johnson spends much of his time studying the philosophy of action and normative ethics, with a special focus on procrastination and bullshit. He explained: “To be honest, I haven’t really got around to reading Plato’s Republic, though I know it’s been assigned to me around a dozen times since college. My true passion, however, lies in arranging and rearranging my bookshelf in such a way that gives people, even scholars, the illusion that I know everything under the sun.”

Students reportedly asked Johnson if other philosophers ever accuse him of bullshitting. “I never bullshit. I bluff and lie and mislead and hoodwink and steal and rip off. But I don’t bullshit. Never. That’s an infamia,” he said, wagging an index finger.

Johnson pointed out that filling one’s bookshelf with books one does not intend to read is a habit shared by students and professors alike, with the most preeminent shelf-filler being Socrates. “I don’t think there’ s a greater philosopher than old Mr. Soccer Tease,” said Johnson. “He was the inimitable shelf-filler. It was both an art and a science to him, the way he amassed his books and displayed them like a modern art masterpiece. He was really ahead of his time.”

Johnson continues to fill his shelf with books he will never read. Sources confirmed that his latest writings will be published in top philosophical journals such as Mind and Noûs.

 

 

Woman gives tips on how to subtly show off book in public

NEW YORK—Eager to take the world by storm, a young graduate of a prestigious liberal arts college carries a difficult book in public every day, painstakingly ensuring that the book cover is somewhat visible to passersby at all times.

21-year-old Carrie Campbell stated, “As a general rule, you want to place the book cover at a 32-degree angle from your face and two inches below your eyes. This way, the hoi polloi can see what you’re reading and I can scan my surroundings to see if they’re glancing at what I’m reading.

“You want to be subtle. You don’t want to place the book parallel to your face because it’ll look like you’re trying too hard. Retro glasses are generally okay, but you want to be careful with them because they’ve been misappropriated by hipsters and you don’t want to be mistaken for a pseudointellectual.

“Also, it’s hard to make standing people see what you’re reading, especially if you’re sitting down or if they’re walking around. In this case, you want to stand up and casually place the book between the index finger and thumb of the hand that’s facing your spectator. Don’t block the title of the book. Especially if the book is in a foreign language.

“If all else fails, wear your college t-shirt and be sure that, if anyone else in public wears clothing from some school that’s higher ranked than yours, carry three other books to show them you’re definitely more academic.

“Don’t ever read The Fault in Our Stars or Divergent or any of those YA novels. You have to show them you’re mature, or no one will take you seriously.”