BOSTON—A new paper published in the New England Journal of Medicine concluded that insomniacs are more attractive and intelligent than their well-slept counterparts.

Sleep researchers said that those who are chronically sleep-deprived tend to be more sexually appealing and better-groomed. “Insomniacs tend to leave their makeup on while sleeping,” said Richard Fawkins, professor of neuroscience at Boston College. “They tend to keep their eyes open and pay careful attention to how they present themselves, even when they’re alone at 3:00 in the morning.

In addition to being more attractive, insomniacs are also better-read, having vocabularies upwards of one million words. “We have seen time and again that those who don’t sleep tend to stay up and read or write. One man read Moby Dick from cover to cover  in one night. Another man stayed up writing blog posts about insomnia.”

Researchers stated that these results shed new light on our understanding of victims of psychological torture. “You know how they make prisoners in Guantanamo stay awake for days on end?” said Fawkins. “Well, it’s no surprise that those sleep-deprived prisoners also tend to be criminal masterminds that just ooze out charisma and sex and thereby get a large following of political or religious zealots.”