Tag: Breaking Bad

Man who killed Hugh Hefner gets all the girls now

LOS ANGELES—The man who assassinated Hugh Hefner is reportedly cavorting and fornicating with scores of ebullient, barely legal, scantily-clad women who until recently lived with the founder of the Playboy empire.

Mike Ehrmantraut, 69, infiltrated the Playboy Mansion in Holmby Hills more than a week ago, using only his wrinkled old fingers as lock picks to break into a secret underground passageway that leads to a luxurious wine cellar.

Disguised as a young cocktail waitress, Ehrmantraut laced a bottle of Zafiro Añejo tequila with ricin, a deadly and difficult-to-trace neurotoxin, before serving the fatal drink to the unabashed and elderly Lothario.

Due to poor eyesight, Hefner, 91, mistook Ehrmantraut for a woman and promptly quaffed the tequila without suspicion. Ehrmantraut waited for a week for Hefner to pass away, and then removed the victim’s iconic red velvet robe and silk pajamas before changing into them, professing to be the world’s newest and most eminent playboy.

“When I set my mind on something, I do it,” Ehrmantraut stated to reporters. “I take full measures only and the girls know they deserve something better than Hugh’s four-inch measure.”

Ehrmantraut was last seen in a jacuzzi with five other women with whom he was sharing a generous portion of pimento cheese and caviar. All the girls seem to love Ehrmantraut more than they loved Hefner.

Faithful man enraged that wife is cheating on taxes

NASHVILLE, TN—Suspecting that something funny is going on with his wife, an Internal Revenue Service agent purposefully came home early to catch his wife in the act.  “Motherfucker, I knew you were cheating on your taxes,” he yelled.

Salvatore Goodman, 45, noted angrily that his spouse Skyler Beneke did not fill out her Form 1040 properly. “She should have checked Box 3 instead of 1, and then she checked Box 6a. What the fuck is wrong with her?” he wondered.

According to Goodman, Beneke was wholly incapable of talking reason. “She was just escalating. ESCALATING!” he explained. “She left me no choice but to haul her ass to jail.” In response, Rizzi spat in his face and called him a “limp dick cocksucker who doesn’t even have the balls to be a good tax evader, let alone launder money.”

After throwing lots of defamatory statements at each other, the couple cooled down and sought marriage counseling.

1040_tax_form_2014
Filling out Form 1040 is really fucking easy.

Meth cook pours acid on invincible cockroach, needs polyurethane container

ALBUQUERQUE—A methamphetamine manufacturer tried to kill a cockroach by means of chemical disincorporation. He failed to do so, and is still looking for a polyurethane container big enough to fit the cockroach.

After accidentally breaking a bad fly swatter, Jamie Yeoman, 25, took a bottle of hydrochloric acid off the shelf, squirting it at a gargantuan Madagascar cockroach that contaminated his hitherto immaculate laboratory. Although aggressive, his tactic was far from lethal, and the cockroach, which as a species is said to be able to withstand 2,000 times the amount of radiation considered lethal for humans, absconded unscathed.

“That lab is, like, my private domicile, yo,” he said. “Bitch.”

The chemist is still searching for a polyurethane container big enough to fit the cockroach. On the bottom of the container should be stamped the letters “LDPE.”

If you have any potentially helpful information for Mr. Yeoman, please call 148-3, 3-to-the-3-to-the-6-to-the-9, representing the ABQ. Waddup, beyotch? Leave it at the tone.

Impoverished men to sell lush eyebrows for survival

ALBUQUERQUE—After falling victim to a massive Ponzi Scheme, three men are looking to alleviate their financial troubles by selling their lush eyebrows to the wig company Romero Wigs.

“When I was just a little boy, my mother would read me stories like ‘The Gift of the Magi’,” said Dr. Zachary Quinto, who came up with the idea. “I remember how women in those stories would sell their hair for money, so I thought, hey, why not sell eyebrows?”

Fellow eyebrow seller and police officer Nestor Carbonell, however, was less optimistic. “You think I like giving up my eyebrows?” he said. “You don’t look at me or my eyebrows. If you so much as peek at my face, I’ll cut your fucking throat and shove it up your ass.”

“As for me, I like to think that I’m a realist,” said eyebrow seller Marius Stan. “You see, I’ve been working at this car wash for more than 20 years, and it’s not easy. Life is tough. A man has to be tough. A man has to do what he has to do. These are just eyebrows, no?”

The three men reportedly deliberated among each other for hours before reaching the verdict that yes, their eyebrows should be sold, and yes, their is nothing they can do about it but stick their faces in pillows and cry themselves to sleep. At one point, Mr. Carbonell broke down, choking back tears. “We’re not as menacing as our eyebrows might imply,” he sniffled.

A Romero Wigs spokesperson remarked, “Zack and Nestor and Marius have nothing to worry about. I mean, their eyebrows are gonna grow back in a few weeks. Right now, those eyebrows aren’t just lush. They’re redundant, so we’re probably doing them a favor.”

The men’s eyebrows, deemed by experts to be of exceptional quality, are priced at 200 dollars per brow. The market price for a mediocre eyebrow is 100 dollars.

 

Customer service assistant swears he’ll repeatedly stab you in the throat with his Bic ballpoint pen

ALBUQUERQUE—Having had enough of your bullshit, a customer service assistant “just snapped” yesterday and swore that he will, at an unspecified time in the future, repeatedly stab you in the throat with his Bic ballpoint pen.

Jerry, who is an employee at the fast food chain Los Pollos Hermanos, said that “I have killed before, and I will kill again. I will stab you, and stab you, and stab you. You’ll be spraying and splattering blood on my face, and I’ll be smiling at you when that happens.”

The customer service assistant’s neighbors confirmed that the man is of sound mind and has a social life. One neighbor said, “Jerry’s a pretty cool guy. We cook ribs with that guy. He’s just a normal, well-adjusted guy who comes out and washes his motorcycle and stuff, and sometimes we just have a beer together and chat on my front porch.”

bic pens
Customer service assistants can use their Bic ballpoint pens to stab you to death.

Another neighbor said, “Jerry is the most genuine person I know. When he says “How may I be of assistance to you?’, he means every word of it. When he asks you if ‘everything is to your satisfaction’, you know for sure that he wants to do his best. So, if he says he’ll be smiling when he slits your fucking throat, well, is that smile real? You bet it is.”

Sources confirmed that Jerry intends to shove your body into a polyethylene barrel, carefully pour hydrofluoric acid into the container, and wait until your corporeal identity has dissolved into a nameless sludge before loading the container into a nondescript truck headed for Mexico. “The trick is to sort of fold your body so that we can squish it in the container,” he said. “Otherwise, I’ll have to hack you to pieces and put your torso into one container, and your legs into another. Now, that’s just too time-consuming, wouldn’t you agree?”

hydrofluoric acid Breaking Bad
According to Jerry, a good way to dispose of a body is to dump it in a barrel into which one then pours hydrofluoric acid.