Tag: cancer

Politics

Donald McDonald promises to ‘make America fat again’, invades fatter foreign nations while no one knows what is going on anymore

WASHINGTON—President Clown Donald McDonald, who last year promised to make “America fat again,” sent troops to seize food from foreign countries that the United States deems to be a threat to its status as one of the most obese nations in the world.

More than 3,000 troops were deployed on Wednesday to Kiribati, the Marshall Islands, and the Cook Islands, each of which boasts an obesity rate that surpasses that of the United States.

“We don’t know what the hell’s going on in these countries and we haven’t even heard of those guys until now, but we know that if they’re fatter than us, then that’s very, very bad,” McDonald tweeted this morning.

The President Clown has tweeted twelve more times in the past few hours. His second tweet, sent just five minutes after the previous, was considered by much of the international community as xenophobic and, ironically, cacomorphobic (fear of fat people). He wrote, “When Kiribati people eat, they’re getting fatter than us, and those people peddle drugs and commit crimes. They’re rapists. Fat rapists. And some, I assume, are good, fat people.”

No sooner had the President Clown tweeted a second time than he once again tweeted: “Fat foreigners are not my enemy. They are the enemy of the American obese. Bad (or sick!) fatlanders!”

ronald mcdonald military se asia
President Clown Donald McDonald sent troops to foreign nations to ensure that the United States maintains its primacy as a globular superpower.

The President Clown tweeted, moments later, “Americans must show the world that we are and will remain a globular superpower!”

In the ensuing hours, Senator John McCain repeatedly railed against the President Clown’s unexpected outburst, calling him a “horizontally and politically challenged disgrace to the American people.” He added, “Donald is a fat hypocrite. He condemns foreigners as fat, yet he himself is an obese bully who uses diabetes, high blood pressure, cancer, and other McDonald weapons on his own people.”

Political experts told Americans not to pay attention to the President Clown’s tweets, saying that it is the President Clown’s way of distracting Americans from more pressing problems. Saul Goodman, a professor of political science at George Washington University, said that “the President Clown is hurting millions of innocent people living on these island nations and Americans are focusing on those goddamn tweets. What’s the most pressing problems? Frankly, I have no idea. But those tweets are not one of them.”

Meanwhile, an Asian man was falsely accused of smuggling weapons of MacDestruction onto a United Airlines flight headed for the Cook Islands, and airport security was filmed manhandling the man and throwing him out the plane.

Also, Russia is angry at McDonald for invading the island nations.

No one knows what is going on anymore.

Music

Be careful what you listen to: ‘Canon in D’ causes cancer

BALTIMORE—A new study published in the New England Journal of Medicine found that people who listen to bad music are three times as likely as people with good musical tastes to develop certain types of cancer. Though bad music is overwhelmingly found in K-pop, Canto-pop, Mando-pop, and anything in the USA Singles Top 40, several pieces of classical music are also proven to be highly carcinogenic, scientists warn.

The popular “Canon in D” by Johann Pachelbel, long recognized by established musicians as an objectively bad piece of music, is a case in point. “Even amateur musicians know that ‘Canon in D’ is an uninspired collection of melodic clichés,” said Dustin Huffman, a third grader at the American School in Taichung. “As soon as I hear my peers play that piece for the tenth, hundredth, thousandth, billionth goddamn time, I know that it’s time to GTFO,” said Dustin.

“‘Canon in D’ contains an uninspired harmonic progression full of triads,” said Dustin’s music teacher, Michael Wiles. “It does not even contain altered dominant chords, let alone seventh chords,” he said angrily, adding that “pretty much every student I’ve had in the past ten years doesn’t know what an altered dominant chord is, and that’s just sad, because they might get cancer and die before they can appreciate the beauty of Bach.”

At the American School in Taichung, biology teacher Lily Hsu cautioned students to know what they’re listening to. “The relationship between music and science is, for want of a better term, sacred,” she said. “Every intellectually responsible human being who does not want to die early from scientific ignorance should know the musical theoretical underpinnings of every song they listen to, and how all of that can cause malignant brain tumors.”

In addition to having deleterious neurological effects, bad music like “Canon in D” also causes short-term increases in blood pressure, cholesterol, and dihydrotesterone (DHT), an endogenous androgen sex steroid and hormone responsible for baldness. Over time, listeners are at an increased risk of testicular cancer and leukemia.

A group of scientists at Johns Hopkins have already begun to search for the link between bad music and cancer, and the results are promising. In a double-blind study consisting of 224 healthy participants, more than half of those who developed one form of cancer had a habit of listening to noise pollutants. “There is a reason ‘The Maiden’s Prayer’ is known as the ‘Garbage Truck Song’ in Taiwan,” says Centennial Professor of Neuroscience Gale Somerset. “Such music embarrassments are known to contain certain sound waves conducive to noise pollution, and thus pollution of the brain and the human body.”

Scientists and musicians urge listeners to listen to jazz, blues, and soul instead, and legislators in multiple states have already begun to push for bills that may outlaw Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus, and other so-called artists.