Tag: classical music

Piano teacher tries hard not to be a dick

NEW YORK—After doing some soul searching, a piano teacher resolves to be less of a dick. “There’s a fine line between being firm and being a total dick,” says Richard Foster, 32. “I’m trying harder not to be a dick now, but god is it hard to suppress my dickishness when my students sound like crap.”

Foster, an alum of the prestigious Peabody Conservatory of the Johns Hopkins University, fails to understand why every student he has taught in the past 20 years has been untalented, thankless, indolent pieces of mediocrity who can at best create elevator music. “I remember this student once,” he said. “What was his face? Kenny G was his name. God, why on earth did he choose music? He can’t play to save his life. And then he started playing sax and sucks even more at that.”

The weary pedagogue sighed while rolling his eyes, then he confessed: “I don’t want to be a dick anymore. I’ll try to be nice to these little assholes. But, fuck, how hard is it to improvise on the octatonic scale, transcribe some Chick Corea, play a bit of Liszt, and then jam to Ligeti’s opera before playing for the local philharmonic?

“I’ll try to be nice. I’ll wait another five minutes for them to figure out their goddamn do-re-mi’s before I say something sarcastic. They’re just like Beethoven, I guess: Deaf.”

A student who wishes to remain anonymous stated, “Mr. Foster is not just a dick. He is a gaping asshole. He makes me feel like a pile of shit that’s been funneled out of his tight sphincter every week. And then he accuses me of not practicing and then flushes me out without cleaning up the mess that he made.”

Then the student added, “Well, to be fair, I never, um, practice.”

Renowned pianist Lang Lang suffers from premature articulation

NEW YORK—A motley crew of musicians and doctors confirmed that world-renowned pianist Lang Lang suffers from premature articulation, a disorder that afflicts more than 3.5 million pianists worldwide.

The pianist is the recipient of numerous accolades and has performed for former Secretary-General of the United Nations Kofi Annan, Barack Obama, Queen Elizabeth II, Vladimir Putin, and numerous other international dignitaries.

Despite his sterling reputation, Lang has had to conceal the diagnosis for years, and his premature articulations have begun to affect his playing in recent months. In his latest performance of Franz Liszt’s Hungarian Rhapsody No. 2 at Carnegie Hall, Lang came short of restraining his excitement, moaning and gesticulating wildly in front of a hitherto captivated audience as his fingers hurriedly pounded towards the finale, ultimately ending the piece two minutes too soon.

“It just started to distract us from the music, you know,” said celebrated jazz artist Herbie Hancock. “I mean, sure, I’ve said awesome things about the cat before, but he’s gotta control himself, you dig?”

Sources told reporters at the Beagle that Lang has sought treatment for his disorder at the NYU Langone Medical Center.

Experts at Johns Hopkins say that premature articulation primarily affects young male pianists, but recent years have seen an uptick in the prevalence of the disorder among older populations.

Swathes of music critics have noticed Lang ‘s affliction. Fortunately, most of them are somewhat sympathetic to his plight.

Lang has declined to comment on the matter.

Be careful what you listen to: ‘Canon in D’ causes cancer

BALTIMORE—A new study published in the New England Journal of Medicine found that people who listen to bad music are three times as likely as people with good musical tastes to develop certain types of cancer. Though bad music is overwhelmingly found in K-pop, Canto-pop, Mando-pop, and anything in the USA Singles Top 40, several pieces of classical music are also proven to be highly carcinogenic, scientists warn.

The popular “Canon in D” by Johann Pachelbel, long recognized by established musicians as an objectively bad piece of music, is a case in point. “Even amateur musicians know that ‘Canon in D’ is an uninspired collection of melodic clichés,” said Dustin Huffman, a third grader at the American School in Taichung. “As soon as I hear my peers play that piece for the tenth, hundredth, thousandth, billionth goddamn time, I know that it’s time to GTFO,” said Dustin.

“‘Canon in D’ contains an uninspired harmonic progression full of triads,” said Dustin’s music teacher, Michael Wiles. “It does not even contain altered dominant chords, let alone seventh chords,” he said angrily, adding that “pretty much every student I’ve had in the past ten years doesn’t know what an altered dominant chord is, and that’s just sad, because they might get cancer and die before they can appreciate the beauty of Bach.”

At the American School in Taichung, biology teacher Lily Hsu cautioned students to know what they’re listening to. “The relationship between music and science is, for want of a better term, sacred,” she said. “Every intellectually responsible human being who does not want to die early from scientific ignorance should know the musical theoretical underpinnings of every song they listen to, and how all of that can cause malignant brain tumors.”

In addition to having deleterious neurological effects, bad music like “Canon in D” also causes short-term increases in blood pressure, cholesterol, and dihydrotesterone (DHT), an endogenous androgen sex steroid and hormone responsible for baldness. Over time, listeners are at an increased risk of testicular cancer and leukemia.

A group of scientists at Johns Hopkins have already begun to search for the link between bad music and cancer, and the results are promising. In a double-blind study consisting of 224 healthy participants, more than half of those who developed one form of cancer had a habit of listening to noise pollutants. “There is a reason ‘The Maiden’s Prayer’ is known as the ‘Garbage Truck Song’ in Taiwan,” says Centennial Professor of Neuroscience Gale Somerset. “Such music embarrassments are known to contain certain sound waves conducive to noise pollution, and thus pollution of the brain and the human body.”

Scientists and musicians urge listeners to listen to jazz, blues, and soul instead, and legislators in multiple states have already begun to push for bills that may outlaw Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus, and other so-called artists.