After struggling for four seemingly Sisyphean years at an accredited university, Christina Moran, 26, received her long-awaited B.S. in Copy and Paste. “At first, I was so scared. My typing speed was 24 words per minute and I often forgot to save my work, and I thought I’d never make it. But here I am with my snazzy degree, and my parents must be so proud. I love you, Mom and Dad!”
According to Dr. Dave Yew, who works at an accredited university somewhere in Asia, the field of copying and pasting has grown exponentially in the past two decades, and its importance in the ever-changing world that we live in cannot be disputed. “The advent of the laptop has afforded all of us beautiful opportunities to help the world. Back then, we had typewriters. But now, with our cutting-edge technology, we can really help to disseminate important information across the globe by putting into practice the binary computational theory of C.T.R.L.C. and C.T.R.L.V. as well as some abstruse principles of L.O.L. language.”
A beaming Christina adds that “Dr. Yew is the best teacher ever. Seriously, he really cares about teaching. First, whatever he says is right. Second, we can never be smarter than him. And he lets us know that. Isn’t he just brilliant?”
By all accounts, Christina has a long and exciting life ahead of her. Armed with expert knowledge of Microsoft Word and PowerPoint, Christina plans to take the world by storm by any means necessary.
Dr. Yew, who has two PhDs in Copy and Paste, will be teaching a course on the History of Western Art and another on Bertrand Russell’s History of Western Philosophy. Ever indefatigable and brimming with scholarship, he does not plan to retire any time soon.
Confessing to reporters that she really, definitely gives a flying shit about her professor’s lecture, Ellen Degenerate, 21, insists on pretending not to care anyway. “Girl, that thing about Frege’s sinn und bedeutung was fucking dope,” she allegedly gushed in a secret phone conversation. “And that motherfucking connection between Kantian aesthetics and Romantic poetics as you can fucking see in Caspar David Friederich’s Two Men Contemplating the Motherfucking Moon made me question the meaning of life.”
Though Ms. Degenerate later retracted her statement and promptly criticized the professor for being a “lame-ass turd,” other students in class were quite ebullient. When asked a question about ancient philosophy, Taylor Schmidt, 20, ventured, “Play dough? Is that Soccer Tease’s student? Or Buddha or someone?” Likewise, classmate Judson Beaver, 19, participated vigorously in classroom discussions. “Yo, I feel that, I’m not sure about parties, but whatever they have in Korea, that’s bad.”
In stark contrast to her peers, Ms. Degenerate remained visibly bored throughout the entire lecture and contrived to appear as illiterate as a college student can be. “Fuck this,” she explained in class.
Ms. Degenerate reportedly received a C+ for lack of participation. All of her classmates received A’s.
NEW YORK—Eager to take the world by storm, a young graduate of a prestigious liberal arts college carries a difficult book in public every day, painstakingly ensuring that the book cover is somewhat visible to passersby at all times.
21-year-old Carrie Campbell stated, “As a general rule, you want to place the book cover at a 32-degree angle from your face and two inches below your eyes. This way, the hoi polloi can see what you’re reading and I can scan my surroundings to see if they’re glancing at what I’m reading.
“You want to be subtle. You don’t want to place the book parallel to your face because it’ll look like you’re trying too hard. Retro glasses are generally okay, but you want to be careful with them because they’ve been misappropriated by hipsters and you don’t want to be mistaken for a pseudointellectual.
“Also, it’s hard to make standing people see what you’re reading, especially if you’re sitting down or if they’re walking around. In this case, you want to stand up and casually place the book between the index finger and thumb of the hand that’s facing your spectator. Don’t block the title of the book. Especially if the book is in a foreign language.
“If all else fails, wear your college t-shirt and be sure that, if anyone else in public wears clothing from some school that’s higher ranked than yours, carry three other books to show them you’re definitely more academic.
“Don’t ever read The Fault in Our Stars or Divergent or any of those YA novels. You have to show them you’re mature, or no one will take you seriously.”
SEATTLE—After having one too many tacos at the library, a slightly overweight student sat on her university ID, unintentionally snapping it in half with the weight of her buttocks.
Noting that her university ID also serves as her dormitory card, credit card, restaurant discount card, and source of self-esteem, Shelby Li, 21, broke down and promptly fell into clinical depression. “How am I supposed to get University Teriyaki now?” she shrieked. “How am I ever gonna get a boyfriend if I can’t go back to my dorm to sleep or shower?!”
Since her breakdown, Ms. Li has not had food, water, sleep, sex, or anything that gives her pitiful life a modicum of evolutionary or philosophical meaning. And she still has a one-page writing assignment to look forward to.
Although her friends worry about her mental health, Ms. Li is too deeply depressed to have the energy to contemplate suicide.
BEIJING—After weeks of hard work, an ambitious student finally got into the school of her dream’s t-shirt. “They didn’t have size M,” said Rachel Fang, 17. “But now I lose weight and wear S. Harvard good fit for me.” Sources confirmed on Sunday that Ms. Fang lost 10 pounds in 22 days after she went on an organic vegan diet and joined the gym. Her daily exercise routine includes twenty minutes on the treadmill, twenty sit-ups, and lots of stretching. “I spent so much time and energy working so hard,” said Ms. Fang. “Now I finally get what I deserve, and then look at all my friends with their Stanford t-shirts and laugh at them, tee-hee.” Proud of her achievement, Ms. Fang tries to wear her shirt every day, making sure to post them on Instagram. She thanks her mother, who posted on Facebook, “My daughter got into Harvard shirt!” And she thanks God, who gave her courage and resilience.