Tag: dating

Lonely housewife seeks rich, handsome, confident, manly psychopath who can take good care of her

After her low-life husband left her for another woman, local housewife Kirsten Dunce took proactive measures to find a man who is rich, confident, and just psychopathic enough to take good care of her.

Approximately 1 percent of the general population is blessed with psychopathy, officially called Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fifth edition (DSM-5). Virtually all of these lucky people are male. Symptoms of psychopathy include killer charm, roguish good looks, and intractable, red-blooded strength.

It is thus no surprise that, contrary to popular belief, many psychopaths have long turned away from such base pleasures as serial killing and raping to such loftier pursuits as practicing law, ruling Syria, and being the President of the United States.

“I need a handsome, charming fella who can take good care of me,” Mrs. Dunce said thoughtfully. “He also has to be rich and confident, and maybe fall somewhere near the middle of the Antisocial Personality Disorder spectrum so that he has the balls to grab women by the pussy.”

Mrs. Dunce is currently choosing between two men: Ted, a dashing, young attorney at the white shoe firm Bundy LLP, and Jeffrey, a brilliant businessman and founder of the fast food chain Dahmer Legs and Wings.

While her standards of romance are high, Mrs. Dunce said she will “keep an open mind.”

Single cactus at Home Depot longs for love and better living conditions

ALBUQUERQUE—A cactus at Home Depot is fed up with his living condition, and is reaching out to the plant kingdom in the hopes of finding a better home and a succulent lover.

Billy, an Opuntia microdasys, has been sitting alone in a claustrophobic pot at Home Depot for the past four years. Though he is by nature patient and soft-spoken, Billy has recently been more vocal. He told reporters, “A bit of water every eight months and no one wants to touch me because I’m so prickly. Go ahead and kill me, will ya?”

The cactus has repeatedly stressed in no uncertain terms that he is in dire need of a better home and a succulent partner; however, the dating scene at Home Depot is far from ideal. “C’mon, dude. Really? You put me under this soul-sucking fluorescent light and expect me to be sexually attractive?” he complained. “No, really. I’m not interested in college kids looking to spruce up their dorm rooms or fat, balding men looking for printer paper.”

Witnesses at Home Depot agreed. Tony, a garden-variety Mammilaria, decried the cactus rights abuses perpetrated by the staff at Home Depot, claiming that the lack of natural sunlight and incessant air conditioning have caused him and his peers to become etiolated and unattractive.

One cactus lamented, “Here at Home Depot, we are either late bloomers or non-bloomers. Unfortunately, most of us are non-bloomers.”