HOLLYWOOD—Saying that he doesn’t care what other people say about him, a gay man bravely donned a quintessentially heterosexual black blazer and button-down shirt Friday morning.
“I am wearing a heterosexual suit and serving straight up daddy realness,” declared LeBar. “I don’t care what society says about me. I have panache, energy, nerve, individualism, and suaveness.”
Georges LeBar, 57, spoke at length about mankind’s heterophobic herstory. “Straight men have been nice to us, and we totally fucked it up. For hundreds, if not thousands, of years, we’ve burned and kicked and lynched and drowned and mutilated them before throwing them to the lions and torturing them with pickup trucks and banishing them from society and raping everyone and their mothers. The modern man is different. We have compassion for our straight brothers, and we’ll take a leaf from John Stuart Mill’s book.”
LeBar added that gays should stop calling straights “breeders” and “maggots” because such derogatory terms are “fucking stupid.”
He declared, almost condescendingly, “Being a man is almost an act of treason in a gay-dominated society. But to all my straight buddies hiding in their man caves, it’s okay. Just come out. We’re all friends.”
Saying that he is tired of Asian girls who hold up victory signs for no reason, lonely high school teacher Suk-Leng Wang 王色龍, 26, embarks on a futile mission to find suitable women online.
“It is a sad fact that society tolerates Asian girls who flaunt the admittedly repulsive ‘victory gesture’ that has for decades embodied Watergate,” laments Wang. “I deserve better females.”
Wang has created on the popular dating app Tinder a mouthwatering profile consisting of a sensual, shirtless photograph of himself supplemented by a mesmerizing self-description that states,
When there is a classical (intuitionistic) proof of ψ from Δ we say that ψ is classically (intuitionistically) deducible from Δ . Obviously if a conclusion is intuitionistically deducible from certain premises then it is classically deducible from them, since every intuitionistic proof counts as a classical proof according to our definition.
Much to Wang’s chagrin, and despite his unparalleled brilliance and downright sexiness, the only matches Wang has made in the past 12 weeks are with girls who hold up victory signs for no apparent reason.
“I know this overweight gentleman named Richard Wiener who barely graduated from a tier-three university and says stuff like ‘I have a black belt in karate’, and he gets all the girls,” he muses. “And I’m pretty sure he’s a pedophile.”
Ever sanguine and ebullient, the vigorous Wang notes to all non-victory-sign-holding females that he is available, mathematically, emotionally, romantically, and otherwise.
LOS ANGELES—An unidentified student at Canfield Avenue Elementary School has killed yet another barbie doll.
School teachers were alerted to yet another brutal murder of one of those anatomically impossible dolls on Friday. The murder appears to be part of the same, ongoing killing spree in which three other barbie dolls have been stripped naked, dismembered, and displayed in obscene, grotesque positions on the playground.
“You should’ve seen the look on her face,” the killer said, laughing and breathing heavily on the phone. “That look on her face, when I snapped her to pieces with my bare hands. Oh, God, yes. I am God.”
The killer appears to target heterosexual, Caucasian blonde dolls that conform to conventional Western standards of feminine beauty. African American dolls were left untouched. There were no Asian, Hispanic, Native American or fat or transgender or Muslim dolls to kill.
“As gruesome as these crimes are, we are thankful that non-whites are not the target here for once,” said second grader Marcus Washington. “They wanna kill a nigga Muslim or a Native American? Well, shit, they killed all of us hundreds of years ago, so what the fuck they gonna do about that?”
GAFFNEY, SC—The Aryan Brotherhood has been moving to Taiwan in recent years in their attempt to become an internationally recognized nonprofit organization. In an unexpected turn of events, the leadership of the prison gang announced that it will host a Model United Nations (MUN) conference in Taiwan in order to reaffirm an image of legitimacy they have long struggled to maintain.
Although the organization has not publicly announced the venue of the conference, sources confirm that it will be held somewhere in the Central Mountain Range, where the ethnic and cultural diversity of Taiwanese indigenous tribes may help foster a climate of tolerance, acceptance, and other values conducive to international diplomacy.
The conference will consist completely of Caucasian Protestants, who the Brotherhood claim are in the best position to spread peace and love. “We at the Aryan Brotherhood believe that the best way to contribute to world peace is to find open minded individuals who can respect our hegemony,” said Marcus Washington, one of only five hundred members of the powerful prison gang. “Only when people have accepted our hegemony can we call what we are doing a collaborative endeavor. Only when people are unquestioningly and reliably subservient to the Brotherhood can we begin to spread the word of God.”
Taipei has remained silent on the matter despite growing international pressure on both the prison gang and the island nation to elaborate on the situation.