DURBAN—A clinically depressed woman who tried to commit suicide by smoking an ounce of marijuana lost her Bic lighter and died “staaaaarving, dude.”
The husband returned from work to find his wife, Marjorie Queen, 56, sprawled lifelessly on the living room couch with an empty pack of Doritos still in her left hand, a TV remote control in her right, and an unholy grin on her face. A suicide letter was tucked in her shirt pocket.
The husband said that the suicide letter was a “collection of near-illegible laments that highlighted just how distraught she was.” According to the letter, Mrs. Queen’s last words were: “Where’s my lighter? Who Bic-ed me? I’m staaaaarving, dude.”
Mrs. Queen was under the impression that cannabis is more dangerous and addictive than heroin and methamphetamine. She obtained the marijuana from her son’s room, where she found a Ziploc filled with Durban Poison, a strain of marijuana. Coroners concluded that Mrs. Queen smoked an entire ounce of the high-quality marijuana in 20 minutes.
The federal government warns that, while cannabis does not directly cause death, excessive consumption leads to starvation and extreme fire hazards related to smokers’ inability to find and operate lighters.
MELBOURNE—A koala suffering from heat stroke fell off a eucalyptus tree and climbed into a zoological laboratory in which he later discovered and ingested Lysergic acid diethylamide, or LSD.
Upon ingesting LSD, the koala, named Albert, exited the laboratory and climbed back onto the tree. He stared at a piece of bark for 72 hours and found himself in a soul-healing psychedelic journey that soon allowed him to discover the meaning of life.
Koalas are said to be incorrigible drug addicts that munch on eucalyptus leaves, whose touted narcotic properties compel them to sleep for up to 20 hours per day. Contrary to popular belief, however, eucalyptus leaves do not contain psychoactive substances, and researchers at the University of Melbourne have concluded years ago that koalas sleep excessively due to chronic boredom and major depression.
Psychologists have long suspected that Albert suffers from clinical depression, and have put him on suicide watch for more than three years. The sullen koala reportedly said on at least one occasion that “I am tired of being such a useless and clingy beta male so maybe I should end it all, mate.”
Albert no longer suffers from depression, and has been exceptionally cheery all morning. Fellow zoo animals allege that he is a “different and better man” and said that the heatstroke was a “blessing in disguise.” This morning, he greeted us with boundless ebullience, saying “G’day, mate.”