Tag: featured

Teachers spank parents, it totally works

Researchers at Emory University now have concrete proof that teachers who spank their students’ parents consistently obtain positive pedagogical results. “It totally works,” gushed renowned neuroscientist Sanjay Gupta. “When your student misbehaves, just ask for their mother and father and give the two bastards a good old-fashioned sixpack of whoopass. Contrary to popular belief, the brain remains malleable your entire life. So if it works for children, it ought to work for parents. And then they’ll be better parents and turn their kids into better kids.”

Dr. Gupta adds that it doesn’t matter how the parents are spanked as long as they sustain moderate-to-severe injury. “Fuck them; who gives a shit about those fuckers? When I see an unruly kid who has respect for neither education nor humanity, I just want to strangle their parents. Or hack them into little pieces. Or should I drown them in their own vomit? Hmm … I can’t decide.”

Parent Robert Whoresly concurs with Dr. Gupta: “I used to think that I was a good father, that all I needed to do was to hand my kids over to a good private school teacher or tutor and then bam! Data and civility will be uploaded into that little son of a bitch’s little brain. But after getting my teeth kicked out by a Catholic nun yesterday, I now know that I haven’t been doing jack shit to turn him into a better person, that little son of a bitch.”

 

Sexy math man tired of girls who hold victory signs

Saying that he is tired of Asian girls who hold up victory signs for no reason, lonely high school teacher Suk-Leng Wang 王色龍, 26, embarks on a futile mission to find suitable women online.

“It is a sad fact that society tolerates Asian girls who flaunt the admittedly repulsive ‘victory gesture’ that has for decades embodied Watergate,” laments Wang. “I deserve better females.”

Wang has created on the popular dating app Tinder a mouthwatering profile consisting of a sensual, shirtless photograph of himself supplemented by a mesmerizing self-description that states,

When there is a classical (intuitionistic) proof of ψ from Δ we say that ψ is classically (intuitionistically) deducible from Δ . Obviously if a conclusion is intuitionistically deducible from certain premises then it is classically deducible from them, since every intuitionistic proof counts as a classical proof according to our definition.

Much to Wang’s chagrin, and despite his unparalleled brilliance and downright sexiness, the only matches Wang has made in the past 12 weeks are with girls who hold up victory signs for no apparent reason.

“I know this overweight gentleman named Richard Wiener who barely graduated from a tier-three university and says stuff like ‘I have a black belt in karate’, and he gets all the girls,” he muses. “And I’m pretty sure he’s a pedophile.”

Ever sanguine and ebullient, the vigorous Wang notes to all non-victory-sign-holding females that he is available, mathematically, emotionally, romantically, and otherwise.

troll rex wang
Suk-Leng Wang’s Tinder profile picture.
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Disgraced president Richard Nixon holds up the objectively repugnant victory sign.

Man pretends to study in coffee shop, never gets laid

Peering at girls from behind his laptop and right-swiping every Tinder profile he sees, 22-year-old Ronald Dump sat in the back of a coffee shop in the hopes of seducing some woman–any woman. He learned, after sitting at the same spot for 100 days, that his strategy will not get him laid.

“I’ve been pretending to study back here, you know. Last time I had a big book on constitutional law and was checking out those girls there, but they don’t seem to care about me. Nor do they care about constitutional law,” Dump said.

The hapless seducer has also fine-tuned his Tinder profile to perfection, having incorporated on his Tinder page a photograph of himself holding an improbably large electric eel and a self-description explaining that he is “a polyamorous, pansexual man ready to shock and rock you.”

“Do you think she likes me?” he asked, pointing at a ginger woman sipping pumpkin latte on the other side of the room. “She said ‘hi’ to me last time. That means she likes me, right?”

Reporters explained to Dump that he is “being a gigantic pussy and should just go up to her and talk,” but Dump objected that “she’s always busy using her laptop and talking to her friends.”

“So?” replied the reporters. “You’re being a big pussy.”

“Go fuck yourself,” Dump explained.

After regaining his composure, Dump said that he plans to “up his game” and “get out of his comfort zone” by sitting closer to his romantic interests and reading more interesting materials. “I’ll sit at that table instead,” he said, pointing at a table three feet away from his current location. “And I’ll read Moby Dick and Cosmopolitan instead.”

Dump is presently sitting at the next table and sipping an expensive foreign beer. He has changed his Tinder photo to one of himself holding a whale.

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Hapless seducer Ronald Dump’s fantasy is to be just like this guy.

Successful blogger laughs hysterically at own posts dozens of times a day

BLOGOSPHERE—Saying that she’s bored of every WordPress blog except her own, successful blogger Sheryl Sans-Blurb reads her own blog posts dozens of times a day, guffawing maniacally between moments of barely suppressed giggles. “I love reading my own stuff because it’s so exciting,” she gushed. “I’m passionate like that.”

Sans-Blurb has increased her blog viewership by 1200% using this strategy, and she advises all aspiring bloggers to do the same. “Reading your own posts billions of times not only boosts blog views; it allows you to catch typos and grammamr mistakes and improve your Featured Image so that everything is fine-tuned to perfection. That’s what gets viewers hooked.”

Two bloggers have already liked her most recent post, including her mom.

Blogger seeks to regain popularity, writes bullshit

CYBERSPACE—Desperately seeking to regain an audience after going on a one-week hiatus, a blogger begins to post bullshit.

College-educated cafe intellectual Ellen Degenerate, 29, had been blogging for two months. In a matter of weeks, the average number of daily visitors to her blog more than doubled (from 1 visitor to 3).

Complacent with her success, Ms. Degenerate stopped posting daily, opting instead to engage, with fellow cafe-goers and college kids, in stimulating conversations fueled by coffee and Adderall.

She wrote: “The development of semaphores is a robust issue. In this paper, we demonstrate the exploration of the World Wide Web, which embodies the theoretical principles of artificial intelligence. In this work we motivate a signed tool for controlling the producer-consumer problem (DimArdor), proving that congestion control and expert systems can interfere to answer this obstacle.”

Ms. Degenerate meticulously chose tags that she thought would best boost readership, and even advertised her post on Facebook. So far, no one has read—let alone liked—her post.

“That’s not a surprise, I guess,” she muttered. “The writing is bullshit anyway. It’s shit. It’s horseshit. Whatever you wanna call it. I just post shit by using the MIT random paper generator.”

In spite of her deflated ego, Ms. Degenerate resolves to reattain her short-lived success in the blogosphere by writing more bullshit. She encourages fellow demoralized bloggers who aspire to her recently lost level of fame to do the same.

Ms. Degenerate is currently working on another blog post, provisionally entitled, “Famous Quotes about Chocolate Cake Recipes.”