Dog-tired from work, my wife and I decided to pamper ourselves at the fancy-looking Hannibal’s Restaurant, the only place in the world where you can legally consume human flesh. Fiasco. We were made to wait half an hour before our pimple-faced waiter handed us a knife, which we used to cut off our own love handles. Needless to say, the service was bad. He should have sliced us up himself.
And then there’s the bleeding. Nothing to stem the bleeding, and they didn’t even make blood pudding, so it was all wasted. We just bled profusely and got all dizzy due to loss of blood pressure and we couldn’t get water to swallow our ibuprofen because they would’ve made us pay for that overpriced Evian shit.
And then there’s our faces. Why would you slice off your customer’s nose before you serve him appetizers? And so I couldn’t smell the rest of my meal. There I was, waiting thirty minutes for a meal that may never come and which I will absolutely never smell. Inexcusable. We had to gouge out our own eyes to finally get the appetizers (again, they should’ve done it for us) and then we were too blind to find where our noses were, so my wife and I ended up lunging at each others’ faces in the dark before our lips met and we finally chewed off each others’ tongues and had a taste of something nice and raw.
That was two hours of our lives and $250.34 we’ll never get back. Overall, a terrible experience. And I don’t know why the waiter is still alive. Steer clear of this place.
BALTIMORE—Scared that he might botch a complicated surgical procedure, an inexperienced and indecisive surgeon refused to separate conjoined twins Huckleberry and Ginger Cavendish. The Cavendish family is now threatening the doctor with legal action in case he does not honor their wishes.
This is not the doctor’s first clash with patients’ families. In 2010, he rebuffed a family’s request for him to operate on twins Berry and Haley Solanum, who were conjoined at the head.
In 2008, he was also the subject of widespread public criticism for refusing to operate on conjoined octuplets.
“The last conjoined twins I worked on last time almost died,” said Dr. Oliver Figgis. “It took me 22 hours just to separate them and there came a second and a third operation. One of them almost turned into a vegetable.”
The Cavendishes claim that, by refusing to operate on their children, Dr. Figgis has forsaken the most basic principle of medical ethics: primum non nocere (first do no harm), and should accordingly be sued for medical malpractice. “This shit is bananas, and he’s violated the Hypocritical Oath [sic],” they claimed, angrily wagging their appendages.
“I can’t for the life of me figure out what they’re yapping about,” said the doctor. “How can I even be sued for medical malpractice if I refused to practice for them? Are they nuts?”
Father Mike Cavendish reportedly said, “We’re not nuts. And if you keep on calling you that, we’ll sue you for slander and defamation, asshole.”
LAS VEGAS—Mass murderer Stephen Paddock had a Caesar salad before killing at least 58 people and injuring almost 500.
“He said he didn’t want croutons and that he doesn’t like Italian and would rather have room temperature water than iced water,” said Mandalay Bay hotel staff. “Hey, man. Whatever satisfies the public’s appetite for new and exciting stories, right?”
Claiming that the hotel staff is remiss to disregard such an “important piece of the puzzle,” avid television-watcher-cum-amateur-forensic-psychologist Mike T. Vie countered that the killer’s choice of comestibles can lend insight into his mind. “We’re talking about a person who’d rather have Caesar salad than, say, an egg salad sandwich. What’s wrong with him? Does he have Celiac disease or some other gluten sensitivity? Is that why he didn’t want croutons? Is that why he’s so angry? Because he is sensitive to gluten?”
A massacre survivor who preferred to remain anonymous said, “Who gives a flying fuck? You think this is an episode of Twin Peaks? I saved 30 people and took two bullets from an assault rifle. You think I give a shit about what that motherfucker ate?”
The shooter also allegedly scratched his nose with his left index finger and wiped bits of cheese off his beard with the wrong napkin.
SINGAPORE—Hungry IKEA customers can now order a plate of unassembled pork chops made of Scandinavian pine and eco-friendly rubber at any of the furniture brand’s restaurants.
“People used to say everything here’s cardboard,” said IKEA CEO Peter Agnefjäll. “But we’ve proved them wrong. Here at IKEA, we are proud to present to you our new line of Nordic-inspired pork dishes, made from only the highest-quality ingredients of pine and natural rubber found in the alpine tundra of north-western Sweden.”
Agnefjäll assured customers that the new line of pork chops comes with lifetime guarantee against defects in materials and workmanship. The pork chops come with user-friendly instruction manuals. There are no refunds.