Tag: gay

Gay man declares he is confident enough about his homosexuality to dress as if he were straight

HOLLYWOOD—Saying that he doesn’t care what other people say about him, a gay man bravely donned a quintessentially heterosexual black blazer and button-down shirt Friday morning.

“I am wearing a heterosexual suit and serving straight up daddy realness,” declared LeBar. “I don’t care what society says about me. I have panache, energy, nerve, individualism, and suaveness.”

Georges LeBar, 57, spoke at length about mankind’s heterophobic herstory. “Straight men have been nice to us, and we totally fucked it up. For hundreds, if not thousands, of years, we’ve burned and kicked and lynched and drowned and mutilated them before throwing them to the lions and torturing them with pickup trucks and banishing them from society and raping everyone and their mothers. The modern man is different. We have compassion for our straight brothers, and we’ll take a leaf from John Stuart Mill’s book.”

LeBar added that gays should stop calling straights “breeders” and “maggots” because such derogatory terms are “fucking stupid.”

He declared, almost condescendingly, “Being a man is almost an act of treason in a gay-dominated society. But to all my straight buddies hiding in their man caves, it’s okay. Just come out. We’re all friends.”

Kim, Trump reach nuclear agreement grooving to Aqua’s Barbie Girl

Pyongyang—Saying he is tired of “the whole nuclear thing and just wants to chill,” Kim Jong-un signed a nuclear disarmament treaty with US president Donald Trump while the two leaders grooved to the Danish-Norwegian dance pop group Aqua’s immortal hit, “Barbie Girl.”

“I am delighted to say Donald really got me in the mood. He brought back so many memories by playing that song in the privacy of our room in the Rugyon Hotel,” Kim gushed.

President Trump tweeted nostalgically, “Kim and me danced to AQUA’S BARBIE GIRL. Good times!”

“Barbie Girl” has been hailed by critics as a groundbreaking artistic masterpiece, at once stylistically daring due to its ingenious polyrhythmic elements and somewhat traditional because of its allusions to Mozart, Bach, and Turkish Sufi music. Now, after making the two long-time archenemies coexist harmoniously, the timeless song embodies the ethos of our new and peaceful age.

“Forget about ‘A Man Like Putin’,” said Trump. “Vladimir is frackin’ hot af and I enjoy being his bitch, but Kimmy’s on a-whole-nother level. We really got down on the floor.”