Tag: graduate school

Professor masters art of filling bookshelf with books he will never read

EVANSTON, IL—A preeminent philosopher at an elite university has perfected the art of haphazardly filling his bookshelf with books he will never read.

Jacques Johnson, 63, said, “I have everything here. Like, everything. I’ve got Kant, Locke, Leibniz, Plato, Aristotle, the Presocratics, Russell, Kripke, Anscombe, Searle, Ryle, Ayer, Grice, Frege, and dozens of people who are still alive like Michael Huemer and whoever as well as Derrida. My pretheoretical intuition is that I will never read Derrida, since I know Derrida is full of shit even though I’ve never read his works and don’t ever want to. Well, I don’t think I’ll read any of the other stuff either.”

While his colleagues specialize in topics ranging from noncognitivism to meta-meta-logic, Johnson spends much of his time studying the philosophy of action and normative ethics, with a special focus on procrastination and bullshit. He explained: “To be honest, I haven’t really got around to reading Plato’s Republic, though I know it’s been assigned to me around a dozen times since college. My true passion, however, lies in arranging and rearranging my bookshelf in such a way that gives people, even scholars, the illusion that I know everything under the sun.”

Students reportedly asked Johnson if other philosophers ever accuse him of bullshitting. “I never bullshit. I bluff and lie and mislead and hoodwink and steal and rip off. But I don’t bullshit. Never. That’s an infamia,” he said, wagging an index finger.

Johnson pointed out that filling one’s bookshelf with books one does not intend to read is a habit shared by students and professors alike, with the most preeminent shelf-filler being Socrates. “I don’t think there’ s a greater philosopher than old Mr. Soccer Tease,” said Johnson. “He was the inimitable shelf-filler. It was both an art and a science to him, the way he amassed his books and displayed them like a modern art masterpiece. He was really ahead of his time.”

Johnson continues to fill his shelf with books he will never read. Sources confirmed that his latest writings will be published in top philosophical journals such as Mind and Noûs.

 

 

Graduate student aspires to clean microwave oven for asshole colleagues

COLUMBUS—An ambitious PhD student at Ohio State was intent on cleaning the microwave oven in the graduate office, where 30 highly educated assholes reside.

24-year-old Rita Lin graduated from the prestigious Chinese University of Hong Kong with a degree in philosophy and the dream of becoming a well-read janitor in the land of the free. “Cantonese food is less greasy than American food,” she said. “But in grad school here, I also see a bunch of lentils and used teabags and other healthy vegan shit that philosophers of normative ethics need me to clean.”

But when Ms. Lin attempted to communicate with her colleagues about microwave sanitation, she was met with resistance.

“The aforementioned advantages that supposedly come from constitutivism are controversial. Without further argument to the contrary one need not grant that the constitutivist is exempt from accusations of committing the naturalistic fallacy. Nor need one immediately concede that we have to be agents, or that—even if agency is inescapable—authoritative, non-arbitrary moral norms somehow come out of constitutivism,” bellowed graduate student Dan Whitaker, as pieces of arugula and pimento cheese flew out of his philosophical orifice.

e is ES-evidence that h (with respect to an epistemic situation ES) if and only if e is true and anyone in ES is justified in believing that e is (probably) veridical evidence,” muttered colleague Curtis Peacock, while he rummaged through his beard in search of a piece of pepperoni.

First, admit that you have a model. Then, acknowledge that the model will never date you. Then you find one that’s isomorphic to that model,” said fellow intellectual asshole Sean White.

Ms. Lin dropped out of graduate school two semesters later. She never got to clean the microwave oven.