WASHINGTON—The U.S. Surgeon General called for action to reduce the number of tampon users using antifreeze as a blood substitute, noting antifreeze has been the liquid of choice among those who use tampons for the past few decades.
The nation’s top gynecologist, Dr. Stephanie Miracle, cautioned women who engage in such risky behavior. She states, “Ethylene glycol, or antifreeze, is poisonous and is not a safe alternative to menstrual blood. Its sweet taste can lead to accidental ingestion or allow its deliberate use as a murder weapon. Antifreeze is difficult to detect in the body, but can severely damage the brain, heart, lungs, and kidneys. Preliminary studies suggest that antifreeze has deleterious effects on the reproductive system.”
Tamponologists attribute the rise in the number of women using antifreeze during menstruation to the spate of false and misleading commercials that have plagued American and international television for the past few decades. They also urge the pubic school system to initiate or bolster sex ed programs.
Concerned about the recent upswing in religious skepticism, churches are offering free apostate exams to men over 50.
The Digital Rector Exam (DRE), more commonly known as the apostate exam, is an internal examination of one’s soul, performed by a religious authority figure. The procedure was traditionally done by rectors, administrative leaders in certain Christian denominations.
“An apostate exam should be conducted once every six months,” said Rev. Samuel Alexander, as he inserted a finger into an elderly patient’s soul. “Most men over 50 have gone through a lot of stress in their lives, and sometimes multiple crises. They sometimes question God’s existence, and are at higher risk of defecating [sic].”
Apostasy first became formally criminalized in the 4th century, when the Roman Empire adopted a set of laws known as the Theodosian Code. While apostasy in Christianity is no longer a criminal offense, it is still worrisome to serious believers.
Religious leaders of Islam and Judaism are reportedly emulating the churches’ success, and are in the planning stages of setting up apostate exams in mosques and synagogues.