Tag: Kirsten Dunst

Lonely housewife seeks rich, handsome, confident, manly psychopath who can take good care of her

After her low-life husband left her for another woman, local housewife Kirsten Dunce took proactive measures to find a man who is rich, confident, and just psychopathic enough to take good care of her.

Approximately 1 percent of the general population is blessed with psychopathy, officially calledĀ Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fifth edition (DSM-5). Virtually all of these lucky people are male. Symptoms of psychopathy include killer charm, roguish good looks, and intractable, red-blooded strength.

It is thus no surprise that, contrary to popular belief, many psychopaths have long turned away from such base pleasures as serial killing and raping to such loftier pursuits as practicing law, ruling Syria, and being the President of the United States.

“I needĀ a handsome, charming fella who can take good care of me,” Mrs. Dunce said thoughtfully. “He also has to be rich and confident, and maybe fall somewhere near the middle of the Antisocial Personality Disorder spectrum so that he has the balls to grab women by the pussy.”

Mrs. Dunce is currently choosing between two men: Ted, a dashing, young attorney at the white shoe firm Bundy LLP, and Jeffrey, a brilliant businessman and founder of the fast food chain Dahmer Legs and Wings.

While her standards of romance are high, Mrs. Dunce said she will “keep an open mind.”