Tag: love

Wife makes historic first visit to husband’s ten-year-old blog

BLOGOSPHERE—Lacking the joie de vivre to take up meaningful hobbies like sewing and spelunking, a woman visited her husband’s blog ten years after its inception. “I had no idea that Ronald has been writing about me,” Sheryl Sans-Blurb, 47, said after reading an article entitled “Wife Makes Historic First Visit to Husband’s Ten-Year-Old Blog”. “Otherwise, I would have visited his blog a long time ago.”

“I’ve been writing about you for quite some time already,” replied Ronald Dump. “You’re always drinking milk and watching TV beside me while I type about you on my 17-inch laptop.”

Notwithstanding Sans-Blurb’s unforgivable negligence, blogging experts remarked that the visit is a rare event that will go down in blogging history. “It’s almost like some law of nature,” said one WordPress reader. “Spouses seem to be as averse to visiting each other’s blogs as they are to discussing the intellectually stimulating intricacies of tax law. They never do it.”

Unbeknownst to Dump, Sans-Blurb noted that she will never again visit his blog. She opts instead to continue to do whatever she’s been doing for the past ten years of her life, because it is just that much more interesting.

“Robostitutes” are the new black

Last month, a retired philosophy professor asked for a refund because the sex android he bought from us did not “moan and argue like Leibniz.” Yes. There’s a burgeoning market for that kind of thing.

The technicians understood Leibniz’s mathematics, but had difficulty with his philosophy. So, I had to explain to them the fundamentals of windowless monads, preformation, and medieval conceptions of causation. “We shall proverbially touch each other’s’ monads by means of ideal influence,” Silicone Leibniz was subsequently programmed to utter. Then, he would moan, upon penetration: “Oh, Newton, this is the best of all possible worlds!” The reprogrammed Leibniz passed the professor’s Turing Test, so, by law, we were no longer obligated to give him a refund.

Silicone Leibniz is one of 163,000 “robostitutes” produced each day (for comparison, 164,000 cars were produced daily in 2012). Last December alone, I had to singlehandedly satisfy the literary fetishes of three eccentric patrons. The first client wanted a gynoid whose thought processes mimic those of the protagonist Offred in Margaret Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale; the second wanted his Hilary Clinton simulacrum to scat with the voice of Ella Fitzgerald, and the third wanted his Bertrand Russell android to apologize for erring in Principia Mathematica.

“Who’s to stop a grown man from climaxing to Rousseau?” said Jon Stewart Mills, founder of sex cyborg company Artifical Disseminations, Inc. “Aside from giving us freedom, the advent of the intellectual sex cyborg is also a godsend for thousands of unemployed liberal arts graduates who now work as literary consultants for dozens of companies specializing in artificial intelligence.

“Tech-savvy scientists sitting in cubicles can make machines talk like humans, but they cannot make them think like humans, who, after millions of years of evolution, are hardwired to be sexually stimulated by art, literature, and philosophy–all the wonderful things for whose appreciation computers are not and cannot be endowed with.

“We’ve toyed with this idea for decades and endured a tremendous amount of skepticism. Now, the verdict is out: erudite robostitutes are the new black.”

Not talking to each other key to resolving marital conflicts

Calling each other “irrational” and “annoying,” potato farmer Tom Bruise and his wife Lucy quickly resolved all marital conflicts by not talking to each other. “It totally works,” said Bruise. “Ever since we resolved to shut our respective traps, I’ve been angrily washing the dishes while she texts her friends, and we get along just fine.”

The couple reported increased sleep quality since they stopped talking to each other. During bedtime, they would face opposite directions with their eyes wide open in the dark. “The empty gap between us on the mattress keeps growing, and I keep feeling that I might fall off the bed,” the husband said, elaborating on his marital life. “And the sex is awesome. I jerk off and eat Doritos all day. Awesome.”

Lucy explained to reporters, “My husband doesn’t want to talk, and that’s fine. He’s just being himself. As his wife, I support him and his being himself and everything he does. He can be his own sad little bitch self who fap fap faps away ’til the second coming.”

Tom and Lucy indicate that, since remaining silent, the resentment that has festered in their marriage for the past five years has all but dissipated. “I love her,” said Tom. “I love him,” said Lucy, rolling her eyes. “I’m so grateful we’ve decided to shut the fuck up.”

Sexy math man sought by victory sign-holding yacht owners

Though he has had no luck making Tinder matches with girls who don’t hold up victory signs, lonely high school math teacher Suk-Leng Wang 王色龍, 26, has attracted the attention of affluent yacht owners who hold up victory signs for no good reason.

“This is so frustrating,” Wang laments. “No matter where I go, I am beleaguered by individuals who arbitrarily brandish victory signs. Here in Sydney, I was lured onto the yacht of a world-renowned tenor who likes to make victory signs in the Sydney Opera House. He does have Don Perignon, though.”

Wang has updated his Tinder profile picture and changed his self-description to one that more aptly captures his unexampled genius. It states:

Cyberneticists agree that compact algorithms are an interesting new topic in the field of e-voting technology, and cyberneticists concur. Similarly, this is a direct result of the deployment of XML. Nevertheless, a private grand challenge in electrical engineering is the emulation of Bayesian modalities. Therefore, modular archetypes and Moore’s Law are based entirely on the assumption that forward-error correction and redundancy are not in conflict with the simulation of extreme programming.

So far, Wang’s profile has not made much of a difference to his dating life.

“I get a lot of hot girls. But I want a real woman. Right now, I’m still getting a lot of victory sign girls and people making duck faces under the Eiffel Tower,” said Wang, adding, “What decadent times we live in.”

This article is a continuation of Sexy Math Man Tired of Girls who Hold Victory Signs.

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Most of the girls in this photo are holding victory signs.
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Suk-Leng Wang’s new Tinder profile picture

 

 

Sexy math man tired of girls who hold victory signs

Saying that he is tired of Asian girls who hold up victory signs for no reason, lonely high school teacher Suk-Leng Wang 王色龍, 26, embarks on a futile mission to find suitable women online.

“It is a sad fact that society tolerates Asian girls who flaunt the admittedly repulsive ‘victory gesture’ that has for decades embodied Watergate,” laments Wang. “I deserve better females.”

Wang has created on the popular dating app Tinder a mouthwatering profile consisting of a sensual, shirtless photograph of himself supplemented by a mesmerizing self-description that states,

When there is a classical (intuitionistic) proof of ψ from Δ we say that ψ is classically (intuitionistically) deducible from Δ . Obviously if a conclusion is intuitionistically deducible from certain premises then it is classically deducible from them, since every intuitionistic proof counts as a classical proof according to our definition.

Much to Wang’s chagrin, and despite his unparalleled brilliance and downright sexiness, the only matches Wang has made in the past 12 weeks are with girls who hold up victory signs for no apparent reason.

“I know this overweight gentleman named Richard Wiener who barely graduated from a tier-three university and says stuff like ‘I have a black belt in karate’, and he gets all the girls,” he muses. “And I’m pretty sure he’s a pedophile.”

Ever sanguine and ebullient, the vigorous Wang notes to all non-victory-sign-holding females that he is available, mathematically, emotionally, romantically, and otherwise.

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Suk-Leng Wang’s Tinder profile picture.
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Disgraced president Richard Nixon holds up the objectively repugnant victory sign.

Man pretends to study in coffee shop, never gets laid

Peering at girls from behind his laptop and right-swiping every Tinder profile he sees, 22-year-old Ronald Dump sat in the back of a coffee shop in the hopes of seducing some woman–any woman. He learned, after sitting at the same spot for 100 days, that his strategy will not get him laid.

“I’ve been pretending to study back here, you know. Last time I had a big book on constitutional law and was checking out those girls there, but they don’t seem to care about me. Nor do they care about constitutional law,” Dump said.

The hapless seducer has also fine-tuned his Tinder profile to perfection, having incorporated on his Tinder page a photograph of himself holding an improbably large electric eel and a self-description explaining that he is “a polyamorous, pansexual man ready to shock and rock you.”

“Do you think she likes me?” he asked, pointing at a ginger woman sipping pumpkin latte on the other side of the room. “She said ‘hi’ to me last time. That means she likes me, right?”

Reporters explained to Dump that he is “being a gigantic pussy and should just go up to her and talk,” but Dump objected that “she’s always busy using her laptop and talking to her friends.”

“So?” replied the reporters. “You’re being a big pussy.”

“Go fuck yourself,” Dump explained.

After regaining his composure, Dump said that he plans to “up his game” and “get out of his comfort zone” by sitting closer to his romantic interests and reading more interesting materials. “I’ll sit at that table instead,” he said, pointing at a table three feet away from his current location. “And I’ll read Moby Dick and Cosmopolitan instead.”

Dump is presently sitting at the next table and sipping an expensive foreign beer. He has changed his Tinder photo to one of himself holding a whale.

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Hapless seducer Ronald Dump’s fantasy is to be just like this guy.

Faithful man enraged that wife is cheating on taxes

NASHVILLE, TN—Suspecting that something funny is going on with his wife, an Internal Revenue Service agent purposefully came home early to catch his wife in the act.  “Motherfucker, I knew you were cheating on your taxes,” he yelled.

Salvatore Goodman, 45, noted angrily that his spouse Skyler Beneke did not fill out her Form 1040 properly. “She should have checked Box 3 instead of 1, and then she checked Box 6a. What the fuck is wrong with her?” he wondered.

According to Goodman, Beneke was wholly incapable of talking reason. “She was just escalating. ESCALATING!” he explained. “She left me no choice but to haul her ass to jail.” In response, Rizzi spat in his face and called him a “limp dick cocksucker who doesn’t even have the balls to be a good tax evader, let alone launder money.”

After throwing lots of defamatory statements at each other, the couple cooled down and sought marriage counseling.

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Filling out Form 1040 is really fucking easy.