Tag: marijuana

Korean elderly happy with quality cannabis

Seoul — A new study published by Seoul National University indicates that Korean senior citizens are “very satisfied” with the marijuana they have been using. “This weed is A plus,” opined Park Hyun-In, 62, who has been smoking at least one gram of the traditional Korean herb per week for the past two years. “I try getting my daughter to smoke sacred  vegetable, tell her good for homework grades and such, but she say no.”

Published in the Journal of Korean Medical Science, “Epidemiology of Cannabis Use and Associated Benefits” claims that 53 percent of Koreans aged sixty or above are “satisfied” with the marijuana they have been receiving, 20 percent are “very satisfied,” and 9 percent are “too high to respond properly.”

The results are encouraging for Koreans, who are viewed by neighboring Asians as one of the most progressive citizens of the world ever since a referendum in 2013 paved the way for the legalization of marijuana and other substances, including cocaine and methamphetamine, both of which are frequently used to boost studying and work.

Stoned jazz student thinks exasperated teacher digs his music

BALTIMORE—After smoking a large but indeterminate amount of marijuana, a jazz student mistook his teacher’s silence for a sign of musical approval.

“The dude just sort of looked at me, you know?” said Dustin Beaver, a freshman at the Peabody Conservatory of the Johns Hopkins University. “I did this sick fucking solo on Giant Steps and then quoted some Stevie Wonder and shit, and then when I was done, that cat looked at me silently, like he was thinking, oh, fuck yeah, that cat can fucking play!”

“Dustin probably can’t even play chopsticks, and he thinks he’s some kind of jive-ass motherfuckin’ Mozart,” said the teacher, who prefers to remain anonymous.

When asked whether he has considered the possibility that his teacher was bored or perhaps even dumbfounded by how hopelessly maladroit his performance was, the student shook his head. “Man, I used to transcribe shit and practice scales and shit, you dig? And then he’d always, like, say some highfalutin, motherfuckin’ shit about how I’m not playing in time, or the chords are wrong, or this and that, blah blah blah, but this time, he didn’t even say nothin’,” he said.

“That dumb shit thinks he can play well just because I sell him his reefers,” said the teacher. “Yeah, we jazz musicians like our reefers. But you still gotta practice your motherfuckin’ chords and shit, you dig?”

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Dizzy Gillespie is practicing his motherfuckin’ chords and shit.

Ohio Residents Celebrate President Trump’s Legalization of Marijuana

by Doobie Man, Jr.

“He made America great again!” said Billie Nelson, as he paused between tokes on his fashionable, hand rolled marijuana cigarette, complete with “hipster tip” as filter.
“I’ve been smoking marijuana for years. But I’ve never witnessed such a jump in the increase of quality until Mr. Trump took office. Sure, I got my hands on some dank nuggets under Obama’s term, but lately, the amount and variety of quality pot has never been better.”
Mr. Nelson is just one of many Ohio residents who, basking in an abundance of fine marijuana, have never been more content with the state of the Union. In fact, on nearly every street corner in Ohio, rural and urban, people may be seen celebrating with a spliff, blunt, joint, or smoking apparatus of some sort.
While for many it seems perfectly clear that President Trump is responsible for this change, others are still skeptical. Ms. Jane, a Columbus native, had this to say about the whole hubbub surrounding Trump and his efforts to “increase the green.”
“Sure. No one can deny that the grass has never been better, greener, etc., but you shouldn’t forget that we are still reaping the long-term results of Obama’s hard work done in support of stoners. Every time Republicans take power, they always try to claim responsibility for the benefits that come from reforms that were actually carried out by the Democrats. Now they say Trump fixed the economy and he’s getting us extra stoned. I don’t buy it!” ejaculated Ms. Jane.
There are even some conspiracy theorists that claim Trump is not “pro-weed.” It seems that only time will tell which president will stand in history as the most plant friendly. But for the moment, Americans may rest proudly in their hammocks, on their lawn chairs and couches, knowing that their own country is number one in terms of quality and quantity of ganja production and enjoyment.

Suicidal woman who smokes weed loses lighter, was ‘staaaaarving, dude’

DURBAN—A clinically depressed woman who tried to commit suicide by smoking an ounce of marijuana lost her Bic lighter and died “staaaaarving, dude.”

The husband returned from work to find his wife, Marjorie Queen, 56, sprawled lifelessly on the living room couch with an empty pack of Doritos still in her left hand, a TV remote control in her right, and an unholy grin on her face. A suicide letter was tucked in her shirt pocket.

The husband said that the suicide letter was a “collection of near-illegible laments that highlighted just how distraught she was.” According to the letter, Mrs. Queen’s last words were: “Where’s my lighter? Who Bic-ed me? I’m staaaaarving, dude.”

Mrs. Queen was under the impression that cannabis is more dangerous and addictive than heroin and methamphetamine. She obtained the marijuana from her son’s room, where she found a Ziploc filled with Durban Poison, a strain of marijuana. Coroners concluded that Mrs. Queen smoked an entire ounce of the high-quality marijuana in 20 minutes.

The federal government warns that, while cannabis does not directly cause death, excessive consumption leads to starvation and extreme fire hazards related to smokers’ inability to find and operate lighters.

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Marijuana addicts lose billions of dangerous Bic lighters every year, and die starving with unholy grins on their stupid faces.