BLOGOSPHERE—Saying that she’s bored of every WordPress blog except her own, successful blogger Sheryl Sans-Blurb reads her own blog posts dozens of times a day, guffawing maniacally between moments of barely suppressed giggles. “I love reading my own stuff because it’s so exciting,” she gushed. “I’m passionate like that.”
Sans-Blurb has increased her blog viewership by 1200% using this strategy, and she advises all aspiring bloggers to do the same. “Reading your own posts billions of times not only boosts blog views; it allows you to catch typos and grammamr mistakes and improve your Featured Image so that everything is fine-tuned to perfection. That’s what gets viewers hooked.”
Two bloggers have already liked her most recent post, including her mom.
CYBERSPACE—Desperately seeking to regain an audience after going on a one-week hiatus, a blogger begins to post bullshit.
College-educated cafe intellectual Ellen Degenerate, 29, had been blogging for two months. In a matter of weeks, the average number of daily visitors to her blog more than doubled (from 1 visitor to 3).
Complacent with her success, Ms. Degenerate stopped posting daily, opting instead to engage, with fellow cafe-goers and college kids, in stimulating conversations fueled by coffee and Adderall.
She wrote: “The development of semaphores is a robust issue. In this paper, we demonstrate the exploration of the World Wide Web, which embodies the theoretical principles of artificial intelligence. In this work we motivate a signed tool for controlling the producer-consumer problem (DimArdor), proving that congestion control and expert systems can interfere to answer this obstacle.”
Ms. Degenerate meticulously chose tags that she thought would best boost readership, and even advertised her post on Facebook. So far, no one has read—let alone liked—her post.
“That’s not a surprise, I guess,” she muttered. “The writing is bullshit anyway. It’s shit. It’s horseshit. Whatever you wanna call it. I just post shit by using the MIT random paper generator.”
In spite of her deflated ego, Ms. Degenerate resolves to reattain her short-lived success in the blogosphere by writing more bullshit. She encourages fellow demoralized bloggers who aspire to her recently lost level of fame to do the same.
Ms. Degenerate is currently working on another blog post, provisionally entitled, “Famous Quotes about Chocolate Cake Recipes.”
SEATTLE—Struggling with his last set of shoulder presses, Jimmy put on his war face, verbally encouraged himself, and got a six-pack.
“You can do this, bruh. Yes you can. Come on, bruh. Pump that shit. You like that, bruh? You like that shit? Yeah, you do. Yeah, you do,” he said to himself before his midriff shed ten pounds of fat to reveal stunning, washboard abs.
Jimmy has been hitting the gym once a week for the past two weeks, but had not seen much improvement until this morning, when he decided to use words of encouragement on himself. “It’s literally insane that I’ve never thought of doing that,” said Jimmy. “I see guys do it to other guys all the time, so, I thought, why can’t I do that to myself? Then I said, ‘Of course you can, bruh. Of course’.”
The successful bodybuilder also maximizes his workout efficiency by drinking a vanilla milkshake made of GNC’s Proprietary Thermosculpting Blend: X-treme ManShake Technology® while listening to his custom playlist consisting mostly of Alan Walker and Darude Sandstorm.
He advises everyone to drink a protein shake always after working out, never before, and always with organic soy milk kept at room temperature.