Tag: news

Suicidal blogger ‘likes’ everyone’s blog, injures hand and goes missing

BLOGOSPHERE—Saying that he will kill himself if he doesn’t get more than two ‘likes’, blogger Ronald Dump, 32, went on a massive liking spree in a last-ditch effort to achieve fame and fortune, subsequently developing Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

“I spent more time ‘liking’ everyone’s blog than I did watching porn. That is unprecedented,” declared an inattentive Dump, who continued to ‘like’ everyone’s post while he talked to reporters. “I will do this until I get more likes. If I don’t, I will kill myself.”

Dump rudely avoided eye contact throughout the interview as he winced in pain clicking ‘like’ buttons. To ease the pain, he periodically sipped on a tumbler of single malt whisky with the help of his other hand. “This is also unprecedented,” he mumbled with a cigarette in his mouth. “I usually use my other hand for recreational purposes while the first hand clicks on pornography. But I’ve discovered that that’s a real waste of time, and blogging is more important.”

The single malt, in tandem with a Tupperware full of Xanax, also serves as a means to take his own life should he not become an internet celebrity. Additionally, Dump has set a large revolver in his desk drawer and lots of ammo in case his firearm jams. “I swear to God I will blow my brains out,” he said. “Fucking ‘like’ me already. I ‘liked’ you. What the fuck else do you want?”

Unfortunately, Dump has had no ‘likes’ since he ‘liked’ everyone’s blog. He is nowhere to be found and has not answered our phone calls since Monday. While he may simply be suffering from writer’s block, the assumption is that he has killed himself.

Dump’s last words were, “I would rather kill myself than ‘like’ myself.”

hunter s thompson with gun
Ronald Dump has prepared a revolver with which he can blow his brains out should the need arise.

Las Vegas shooter had salad before rampage

LAS VEGAS—Mass murderer Stephen Paddock had a Caesar salad before killing at least 58 people and injuring almost 500.

“He said he didn’t want croutons and that he doesn’t like Italian and would rather have room temperature water than iced water,” said Mandalay Bay hotel staff. “Hey, man. Whatever satisfies the public’s appetite for new and exciting stories, right?”

Claiming that the hotel staff is remiss to disregard such an “important piece of the puzzle,” avid television-watcher-cum-amateur-forensic-psychologist Mike T. Vie countered that the killer’s choice of comestibles can lend insight into his mind. “We’re talking about a person who’d rather have Caesar salad than, say, an egg salad sandwich. What’s wrong with him? Does he have Celiac disease or some other gluten sensitivity? Is that why he didn’t want croutons? Is that why he’s so angry? Because he is sensitive to gluten?”

A massacre survivor who preferred to remain anonymous said, “Who gives a flying fuck? You think this is an episode of Twin Peaks? I saved 30 people and took two bullets from an assault rifle. You think I give a shit about what that motherfucker ate?”

The shooter also allegedly scratched his nose with his left index finger and wiped bits of cheese off his beard with the wrong napkin.