COLUMBUS—Recently believed to be a promising applicant with excellent credentials, Lewis C. Kay is actually nothing more than a fat, hairy pervert.
“We thought he was going to be a smart fella,” said one reporter. “But as soon as he walked in here, I saw all that fat. No one that fat can be competent at anything, let alone work here.”
In the thankfully short time he was here, Mr. Kay harassed us with a bunch of braggy sentences. “I sent you my resume last week,” he said. “As you can see, I have a masters in journalism from Northwestern and a PhD in comparative literature from Columbia. I’ve worked at The New York Times, The New Yorker, and New York, so I have some job experience.”
But Mr. Kay’s credentials were promptly invalidated because Mr. Kay is fat. He is a fat, hairy, useless, loser pervert who will never fit into society because he is old and fat and useless and uncool. And we made sure he knew.
“You’re a fat, old pervert and you deserve to die,” we told him. “You’re fat. You’re fat. You’re old and you have two kids. Haha. Loser.
“Why don’t you just kill yourself, poor old man? Yeah. Just go kill yourself,” we advised. “Go kill yourself and then go suck a bag of dicks.”
WASHINGTON—President Clown Donald McDonald, who last year promised to make “America fat again,” sent troops to seize food from foreign countries that the United States deems to be a threat to its status as one of the most obese nations in the world.
More than 3,000 troops were deployed on Wednesday to Kiribati, the Marshall Islands, and the Cook Islands, each of which boasts an obesity rate that surpasses that of the United States.
“We don’t know what the hell’s going on in these countries and we haven’t even heard of those guys until now, but we know that if they’re fatter than us, then that’s very, very bad,” McDonald tweeted this morning.
The President Clown has tweeted twelve more times in the past few hours. His second tweet, sent just five minutes after the previous, was considered by much of the international community as xenophobic and, ironically, cacomorphobic (fear of fat people). He wrote, “When Kiribati people eat, they’re getting fatter than us, and those people peddle drugs and commit crimes. They’re rapists. Fat rapists. And some, I assume, are good, fat people.”
No sooner had the President Clown tweeted a second time than he once again tweeted: “Fat foreigners are not my enemy. They are the enemy of the American obese. Bad (or sick!) fatlanders!”
The President Clown tweeted, moments later, “Americans must show the world that we are and will remain a globular superpower!”
In the ensuing hours, Senator John McCain repeatedly railed against the President Clown’s unexpected outburst, calling him a “horizontally and politically challenged disgrace to the American people.” He added, “Donald is a fat hypocrite. He condemns foreigners as fat, yet he himself is an obese bully who uses diabetes, high blood pressure, cancer, and other McDonald weapons on his own people.”
Political experts told Americans not to pay attention to the President Clown’s tweets, saying that it is the President Clown’s way of distracting Americans from more pressing problems. Saul Goodman, a professor of political science at George Washington University, said that “the President Clown is hurting millions of innocent people living on these island nations and Americans are focusing on those goddamn tweets. What’s the most pressing problems? Frankly, I have no idea. But those tweets are not one of them.”
Meanwhile, an Asian man was falsely accused of smuggling weapons of MacDestruction onto a United Airlines flight headed for the Cook Islands, and airport security was filmed manhandling the man and throwing him out the plane.
Also, Russia is angry at McDonald for invading the island nations.