By Suom Fuikingdood
“That’s it. I’ve peeled off over two million pieces of tape. I refuse to peel off one more f****ng piece!”
Last words of Chad Nelson, a custodian who was recently fired from OSU for refusing to peel tape off the Ms on campus parking meters. Reminiscent of 2008, when Richard Starkey (aka Ringo Starr) of the Beatles announced his refusal to sign autographs or read fan mail, Nelson’s announcement came as a shock to his supervisors.
“I know that Nelson, along with many other OSU custodians has worked to peel pieces and pieces of tape from Ms on campus. But now the job is almost finished and we just need to get a few more peeled. At OSU, we all work together. If you can’t work with the team, there’s no place for you on our distinguished janitorial staff,” was the response of Nelson’s supervisor. When further questioned, Nelson responded as follows:
“Are you f*()*(ing kidding me? I worked for days climbing rickety ladders to reach Ms all over campus. I could have been severely injured or killed, falling to bare concrete. Just to uncover a bunch of Ms that good Michigan hating, Buckeye loving students risked their necks to tape over.”
“Alright. It’s not that I really think this is about being a true Buckeye or not. I’m just fucking tired of peeling tape. I know those last pieces on the parking meters are at ground level and easy to reach. I just don’t want to peel anymore. Can’t you understand me?
And the parking meters should technically be considered the business of the road and those who maintain it, the meter readers. And even if I go ahead and peel the tape off the parking meters, then there may be more tape on street signs or businesses next door or next block. Where do you draw the line? The university shouldn’t have to cover the cost of tape removal from Ms all over the city? But if you give an inch, you know…” and so Nelson trailed off and went to the trailer to fry up some eggs and spark a doobie. But the story was pretty official sounding until about now. And good night.
COLUMBUS—An ambitious PhD student at Ohio State was intent on cleaning the microwave oven in the graduate office, where 30 highly educated assholes reside.
24-year-old Rita Lin graduated from the prestigious Chinese University of Hong Kong with a degree in philosophy and the dream of becoming a well-read janitor in the land of the free. “Cantonese food is less greasy than American food,” she said. “But in grad school here, I also see a bunch of lentils and used teabags and other healthy vegan shit that philosophers of normative ethics need me to clean.”
But when Ms. Lin attempted to communicate with her colleagues about microwave sanitation, she was met with resistance.
“The aforementioned advantages that supposedly come from constitutivism are controversial. Without further argument to the contrary one need not grant that the constitutivist is exempt from accusations of committing the naturalistic fallacy. Nor need one immediately concede that we have to be agents, or that—even if agency is inescapable—authoritative, non-arbitrary moral norms somehow come out of constitutivism,” bellowed graduate student Dan Whitaker, as pieces of arugula and pimento cheese flew out of his philosophical orifice.
“e is ES-evidence that h (with respect to an epistemic situation ES) if and only if e is true and anyone in ES is justified in believing that e is (probably) veridical evidence,” muttered colleague Curtis Peacock, while he rummaged through his beard in search of a piece of pepperoni.
“First, admit that you have a model. Then, acknowledge that the model will never date you. Then you find one that’s isomorphic to that model,” said fellow intellectual asshole Sean White.
Ms. Lin dropped out of graduate school two semesters later. She never got to clean the microwave oven.
COLUMBUS, OH—A group of home-schooled fourth graders have established a new interdisciplinary peer-reviewed journal entitled Midwest Journal of the Metaphysics of Art, stunning professors and graduate students from disciplines ranging from the arts to biomedical engineering. “The problem with postmodern art is that much of it, while visually pleasing, is based on little to no understanding of basic propositional logic, let alone the rigorous philosophical methods that metaphysicians of art must employ,” said 10-year-old Tom Bruise, who received an honorary doctoral degree from The Ohio State University in 2004.
At a Rothko convention in Dayton, 10-year-old postmodernist Dustin Huffman disagreed, citing bits and pieces of Derrida and Buddhist philosophy. “A veritable comprehension of the dualism that is both inherent and negatively response-dependent within the realm of tauroscatological sufficiency cannot be attained by means of any conventional logical stratagem,” he quipped.
What followed Huffman’s incisive comment was a spirited intellectual debate among the top scholars in the field, with some even drawing abstruse evidence from chaos theory to bolster their points.
Under the supervision of their parents, the fourth graders continue to break new ground. Scores of scholars from across the nation will attend the fourth graders’ next Rothko convention in April.