Tag: Onion

Teachers spank parents, it totally works

Researchers at Emory University now have concrete proof that teachers who spank their students’ parents consistently obtain positive pedagogical results. “It totally works,” gushed renowned neuroscientist Sanjay Gupta. “When your student misbehaves, just ask for their mother and father and give the two bastards a good old-fashioned sixpack of whoopass. Contrary to popular belief, the brain remains malleable your entire life. So if it works for children, it ought to work for parents. And then they’ll be better parents and turn their kids into better kids.”

Dr. Gupta adds that it doesn’t matter how the parents are spanked as long as they sustain moderate-to-severe injury. “Fuck them; who gives a shit about those fuckers? When I see an unruly kid who has respect for neither education nor humanity, I just want to strangle their parents. Or hack them into little pieces. Or should I drown them in their own vomit? Hmm … I can’t decide.”

Parent Robert Whoresly concurs with Dr. Gupta: “I used to think that I was a good father, that all I needed to do was to hand my kids over to a good private school teacher or tutor and then bam! Data and civility will be uploaded into that little son of a bitch’s little brain. But after getting my teeth kicked out by a Catholic nun yesterday, I now know that I haven’t been doing jack shit to turn him into a better person, that little son of a bitch.”

 

Student too cool to admit she gives a shit

Confessing to reporters that she really, definitely gives a flying shit about her professor’s lecture, Ellen Degenerate, 21, insists on pretending not to care anyway. “Girl, that thing about Frege’s sinn und bedeutung was fucking dope,” she allegedly gushed in a secret phone conversation. “And that motherfucking connection between Kantian aesthetics and Romantic poetics as you can fucking see in Caspar David Friederich’s Two Men Contemplating the Motherfucking Moon made me question the meaning of life.”

two men contemplating the moon
Two Men Contemplating the Motherfucking Moon by Caspar David Friederich

Though Ms. Degenerate later retracted her statement and promptly criticized the professor for being a “lame-ass turd,” other students in class were quite ebullient. When asked a question about ancient philosophy, Taylor Schmidt, 20, ventured, “Play dough? Is that Soccer Tease’s student? Or Buddha or someone?” Likewise, classmate Judson Beaver, 19, participated vigorously in classroom discussions. “Yo, I feel that, I’m not sure about parties, but whatever they have in Korea, that’s bad.”

In stark contrast to her peers, Ms. Degenerate remained visibly bored throughout the entire lecture and contrived to appear as illiterate as a college student can be. “Fuck this,” she explained in class.

Ms. Degenerate reportedly received a C+ for lack of participation. All of her classmates received A’s.

Wife makes historic first visit to husband’s ten-year-old blog

BLOGOSPHERE—Lacking the joie de vivre to take up meaningful hobbies like sewing and spelunking, a woman visited her husband’s blog ten years after its inception. “I had no idea that Ronald has been writing about me,” Sheryl Sans-Blurb, 47, said after reading an article entitled “Wife Makes Historic First Visit to Husband’s Ten-Year-Old Blog”. “Otherwise, I would have visited his blog a long time ago.”

“I’ve been writing about you for quite some time already,” replied Ronald Dump. “You’re always drinking milk and watching TV beside me while I type about you on my 17-inch laptop.”

Notwithstanding Sans-Blurb’s unforgivable negligence, blogging experts remarked that the visit is a rare event that will go down in blogging history. “It’s almost like some law of nature,” said one WordPress reader. “Spouses seem to be as averse to visiting each other’s blogs as they are to discussing the intellectually stimulating intricacies of tax law. They never do it.”

Unbeknownst to Dump, Sans-Blurb noted that she will never again visit his blog. She opts instead to continue to do whatever she’s been doing for the past ten years of her life, because it is just that much more interesting.