Tag: parenting

Teachers spank parents, it totally works

Researchers at Emory University now have concrete proof that teachers who spank their students’ parents consistently obtain positive pedagogical results. “It totally works,” gushed renowned neuroscientist Sanjay Gupta. “When your student misbehaves, just ask for their mother and father and give the two bastards a good old-fashioned sixpack of whoopass. Contrary to popular belief, the brain remains malleable your entire life. So if it works for children, it ought to work for parents. And then they’ll be better parents and turn their kids into better kids.”

Dr. Gupta adds that it doesn’t matter how the parents are spanked as long as they sustain moderate-to-severe injury. “Fuck them; who gives a shit about those fuckers? When I see an unruly kid who has respect for neither education nor humanity, I just want to strangle their parents. Or hack them into little pieces. Or should I drown them in their own vomit? Hmm … I can’t decide.”

Parent Robert Whoresly concurs with Dr. Gupta: “I used to think that I was a good father, that all I needed to do was to hand my kids over to a good private school teacher or tutor and then bam! Data and civility will be uploaded into that little son of a bitch’s little brain. But after getting my teeth kicked out by a Catholic nun yesterday, I now know that I haven’t been doing jack shit to turn him into a better person, that little son of a bitch.”

 

Child suspicious of storks calls bullshit, turns into idiot

When seven-year-old Pubert Babbitt Jr. asked his parents where babies come from, his parents told him about the Stork: “The Stork is a big bird that drops babies into the house,” said Pubert Sr. Thinking that his parents must either be idiots or liars, Pubert Jr. pressed on, trapping them in contradictions and profound philosophical problems.

“But where do the Storks get the babies?”

“From other Storks.”

“But where do those other Storks get the babies?”

“I don’t know.”

“So you’re telling me it’s magic?”

“Yes, it’s magic.”

“So the babies popped out ex nihilo.”

“I don’t know what that means.”

“You should. You’re the parent.”

“Watch your tone, young man.”

“My tone is irrelevant to the soundness of your argument.”

“What?”

“Well, where do Storks come from?”

“From other Storks.”

“How do they get the other Storks?”

“They drop them from the sky.”

“Why would they have to drop them from the sky if they already fly?”

“They have to learn how to fly first.”

“That’s fair. But you haven’t told me how they get other Storks.”

“I just did.”

“No, you didn’t. You told me that the other Storks drop them from the sky. You didn’t tell me where they come from.”

“Little man, you’re beginning to annoy me.”

“They must’ve got the baby storks from somewhere before they could get a hold of them before dropping them.”

“Then they must’ve.”

“So answer the question.”

“I already did.”

“No you didn’t.”

“Do I have to write everything down for you?”

“Kid, please, you don’t even know how to spell.”

“I’ll record it then.”

“Too bad, we don’t have a tape recorder. So, where do they get the other storks?”

“They get them from other storks, okay? Now finish your veggies.”

“You do know that storks are often, but not always, monogamous right?”

“Oh, now, are they?”

“You do know that the Principle of Inferential Justification has given rise to vexing epistemological issues since the days of the Ancient Greeks, right?”

“What? Finish your veggies.”

“So are you a foundationalist, a coherentist, or an infinitist?”

“I’m your father. Now, finish your food before I whoop your ass.”

“Do you and mom have sex?”

“WHAT?”

“It’s okay. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I know all about sex.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop right there.”

“Coitus can happen between a man and a woman when the man inserts his penis–”

“–WHO TAUGHT YOU THAT?”

“The internet. Sex can also happen between a man and another man, a woman and another woman, a dog and a–”

“THAT’S IT. I’M TAKING IT AWAY FROM YOU. GIVE ME YOUR LAPTOP, NOW!”

“You WHAT? No! That’s how I learn things!”

“Well, I guess that’s the end of it. No more learning.”

Pubert Jr. never learned another thing and grew up to become just like his parents.

Artistically talented kid squirts ketchup and mustard with impunity, continues to create masterpieces

KANSAS CITY—”Look,” said 10-year-old Marina as she squirted ketchup on the floor. “Jackson Pollock.”

But Marina is no Jackson Pollock. In fact, she is better than Pollock. Whereas Pollock’s 1948 masterpiece, “No. 5”, reportedly was sold for 165.4 million dollars in 2006, Tanya’s “No. 500” is estimated to be worth 173 million dollars. The nearly priceless work currently hangs in the Metropolitan Museum of Art. The rest of her works are on display at The Guggenheim.

Marina is a straight-A student and one of five legendary artists at Faxon Elementary School, a bastion of artistic rebels and intellectual iconoclasts. Like her colleagues, she can do whatever she pleases. Last year, she threw a baseball into the principal’s office on purpose so that she would be sent to detention, during which she crawled onto a ceiling light fixture and refused to come down for three days.

Dozens of parents and teachers cheered and clapped as she finally descended, albeit in a semi-starved state. Her father, her biggest fan, exclaimed as she hit the floor, “Now that’s what I call performance art!”

Jackson Pollock No. 5

“Theatre is fake … The knife is not real, the blood is not real, and the emotions are not real. Performance is just the opposite: the knife is real, the blood is real, and the emotions are real,” Marina said to a crowd of nodding heads. “And that’s how I am inspired to do my next work. Hot dogs are fake. Hamburgers are fake. But when I squirt ketchup and mustard on the floor like this—look! Look! Look!—that’s real.”

“As parents, we have a responsibility to ensure that our children flourish,” said Marina’s father, Peter Depardieu. “You don’t wanna try to make an oak tree grow like a willow, or have a cactus grow like a euphorb. Likewise, our children have a tendency to grow in their own ways, and we must encourage that lest we get another generation of boring, average Americans.”

Unfortunately, not everyone at the school sympathizes with Mr. Depardieu. Some of Marina’s less talented peers have been banned by the school from making art because they just “make a mess,” as some teachers put it. “I tried to tell teachers to allow my friends to do whatever they want as well,” she said. “But my friends get B’s and C’s, so they’ll just get in trouble if they do that.”

Some of those less-than-stellar students are already considered juvenile delinquents who have no hope in life. One was sent to a mental institution for squirting relish on walls.

On a more positive note, Marina announced that her next work will involve charcoal, walnut oil, and deodorized dog pee.

Parents protest: ‘Our children are too polite’

NASHVILLE—More than 300 parents gathered outside the University School of Nashville on Friday, protesting against the school’s tendency to train students to become too polite. Wielding a giant protest sign, parent Clarisse Gomez said, “Our children become progressively polite, and this leads to a wide variety of problems. They become mindless twats who don’t appreciate the finer things in life, like music, art, literature, cinematography, and George Carlin.”

School officials later made a short, albeit public, apology on the school’s front steps, stating that “we are sorry that we have not done more to prevent your child from becoming another brick in the oppressive wall of thoughtless euphemisms.”

Dissatisfied, parents loudly complained that their children are no longer able to appreciate the cultural significance of “impolite” or “inappropriate” music such as the rap group N.W.A.’s hit “Fuck the Police,” or to understand pieces of timeless literature. “My child accused me of being a potty mouth when she caught me reading Of Mice and Men,” said parent Joy S. Buck. “‘Oh, shoot, Mom. you shouldn’t read Steinbeck,’ she said to me. He says the ‘F’ word.”