Tag: profanity

U.S. Department of Education bolsters adult literacy using adult literature

32 million adults in the United States are illiterate, and this statistic has not changed in ten years, according to the U.S. Department of Education. In an attempt to bolster American adult literacy, the federal government is urging educators to promote adult reading materials from across the globe.

The new literacy campaign, called “No Adults Left Behind,” brings to the spotlight literary works that have “serious literary, artistic, political, or scientific value.” To this end, educators encourage adult readers to start with works from Ancient Rome, considered by many to be a more culturally advanced civilization than the not-so-United States of America. So far, the federal government’s efforts to increase literacy have already led to astounding success in the prison population, seventy percent of which is illiterate.

Beagle reporters who visited the Litchfield Penitentiary in New York on Thursday were impressed by how well-read the inmates there have become. One inmate, Piper Chapman, quoted Catullus: “Your ass is purer than a saltcellar, nor do you take a shit ten times in the whole year. When you do, it’s harder than beans and pebbles; and if you rub and crumble it in your hands, you can’t ever dirty a finger.” She added, “Stay at home, and prepare yourself for nine back-to-back fuckings.”

Another prisoner, self-proclaimed poetry professor Alex Vause, recited the words of Martial: “Your little dog licks your mouth and lips, Piper. I am not surprised — it always enjoyed eating shit.” She added, “You are in fact a fucker of women. You dare to rub together two pussies, and your clitoris plays the role of a male.”

Emulating the prison system’s success, high school teachers in the Appalachians have incorporated the Turin Erotic Papyrus and Mozart’s magnum opus, “Leck mich im Arsch” (“Lick me in the Ass”). “Our goal is to make our young adults appreciate the beauty of the written word in different forms,” said Principal Amy Robertson. “Words are everywhere, so books don’t have a monopoly on good literature. Art and music contain quality literature as well. After all, Bob Dylan won the Nobel Prize in Literature, right?”

Parents protest: ‘Our children are too polite’

NASHVILLE—More than 300 parents gathered outside the University School of Nashville on Friday, protesting against the school’s tendency to train students to become too polite. Wielding a giant protest sign, parent Clarisse Gomez said, “Our children become progressively polite, and this leads to a wide variety of problems. They become mindless twats who don’t appreciate the finer things in life, like music, art, literature, cinematography, and George Carlin.”

School officials later made a short, albeit public, apology on the school’s front steps, stating that “we are sorry that we have not done more to prevent your child from becoming another brick in the oppressive wall of thoughtless euphemisms.”

Dissatisfied, parents loudly complained that their children are no longer able to appreciate the cultural significance of “impolite” or “inappropriate” music such as the rap group N.W.A.’s hit “Fuck the Police,” or to understand pieces of timeless literature. “My child accused me of being a potty mouth when she caught me reading Of Mice and Men,” said parent Joy S. Buck. “‘Oh, shoot, Mom. you shouldn’t read Steinbeck,’ she said to me. He says the ‘F’ word.”