Tag: psychology

Psych patient no longer anal retentive after therapy in public restroom

HAMBURG—After suffering from chronic anal retention for thirty years, a psychiatric patient has finally been cured in a public restroom.

Guy Blöde, 33, put on his noise-cancelling headphones on Monday as he entered a gas station bathroom stall to commence what his psychiatrist calls “Long Distance Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (LDCBT),” the only long-distance form of psychotherapy that is scientifically proven to be efficacious.

LDCBT is typically done via Skype. Normally, the psychiatrist calls the patient to begin the session, and the patient is guided to modify thoughts and behaviors detrimental to his mental wellbeing.

“I told him that therapy should ideally be done in a quiet and comfortable setting free of distractions,” said Dr. Blair Watson. “He said he has an appointment after ours and was out on the streets and might be late, so he rushed into the quietest place he could find as fast as he could and called me two minutes late.”

Blöde was asked to identify irrational thoughts that have negatively impacted his emotional life, and to stop catastrophizing every situation that he perceives to be undesirable.

“Bathroom therapy is some good shit,” he said. “I didn’t know I could do it, but I did. I thought defecating is dirty and dangerous. But I forgot I was in the bathroom because of my noise-cancelling headphones. Then I spontaneously expelled my stuff as I sat on that toilet seat, and realized everything was still safe around me.”

Dr. Watson said that she has also incorporated what psychiatrists call “systematic desensitization” to their therapy sessions. This means that the psychiatrist gradually exposes the patient to his deepest fears in a safe setting so that he can learn that everything is all good and shit.

“Why have I never thought of that?” said Dr. Watson. “I didn’t even know he was in a public toilet until he told me at the end of the session. Then I thought about all that watery noise I heard and now everything makes sense. I mean, he didn’t even remember to take off his pants, and it’s good that he doesn’t give a shit.”

Sick student dismembers another barbie

LOS ANGELES—An unidentified student at Canfield Avenue Elementary School has killed yet another barbie doll.

School teachers were alerted to yet another brutal murder of one of those anatomically impossible dolls on Friday. The murder appears to be part of the same, ongoing killing spree in which three other barbie dolls have been stripped naked, dismembered, and displayed in obscene, grotesque positions on the playground.

“You should’ve seen the look on her face,” the killer said, laughing and breathing heavily on the phone. “That look on her face, when I snapped her to pieces with my bare hands. Oh, God, yes. I am God.”

The killer appears to target heterosexual, Caucasian blonde dolls that conform to conventional Western standards of feminine beauty. African American dolls were left untouched. There were no Asian, Hispanic, Native American or fat or transgender or Muslim dolls to kill.

“As gruesome as these crimes are, we are thankful that non-whites are not the target here for once,” said second grader Marcus Washington. “They wanna kill a nigga Muslim or a Native American? Well, shit, they killed all of us hundreds of years ago, so what the fuck they gonna do about that?”

Dog tells humans exactly what is wrong with ‘good-hearted’ owners

Moved to tears by a movie about a faithful dog, a family finally played with their beagle after ignoring him for months. Disillusioned, the beagle escaped from his owners, who five months later bought another purebred in an attempt to mend their dysfunctional, bleeding hearts.

The renegade beagle, Roger, is the only dog in the world capable of experiencing complex human emotions, forming second-order desires, and comprehending abstract ideas on a level that surpasses that of the average human.

“Admit it: Dogs as a species are objectively unintelligent,” Roger said with a hint of self-deprecation. “But humans must treat a dog with the same respect as they would a cognitively impaired human. Why? Because there is no morally relevant difference between a stupid dog and an extraordinarily stupid human. We’re different species. So what? A dog and a mentally incapacitated human are equally incapable of participating in the full range of uniquely human activities. So why treat us differently?”

When reporters asked Roger why he hasn’t spoken those words of wisdom to his former owners, the dog laughed. “Of course I have,” he said. “But they’re too dumb to understand what I was saying anyway. Sometimes they care more about me when they watch some sappy movie about some dog who remains loyal to his owner who’s been dead for years. Sometimes they seem to have a sense of justice when they hear about some animal ethics movement on the news. Other times, they just shrug.

“The main reason they got me in the first place was that they wanted a friend, a companion, something to make them feel good about themselves. So, they thought of me at the outset as some kind of emotional tampon.

“The moral value of even their kindest actions are diminished by the fact that they don’t have a sense of duty derived from rationality, a sense of duty that is immune to the vicissitudes of their fickle hearts. I’d rather have a responsible robot for an owner than some unreliable, if good-hearted, human.”

Having completed his monologue, Roger urinated on a fire hydrant and dug into a pungent bone he had unearthed from the depths of dumpster hell. He devoured the bone in seconds and looked up at us. “Fuck you humans,” he remarked abruptly before walking off and going on with his life as we stood there in shock, and then in tears.

Third grader locks himself in Skinner box in failed attempt to achieve enlightenment

TAICHUNG, TAIWAN—While teachers convened in preparation for a PTA meeting, American School in Taichung (AST) 8-year-old student Dustin Huffman sought nirvana in the science lab, to which he gained unauthorized access using a crowbar he had stolen from the general affairs office.

Designed in accordance to the reward-and-punishment system made famous by the eponymous behavioral psychologist B.F. Skinner, the 6 x 6 foot box contains an intricate system of buttons and levers which the human or non-human animal within must learn to manipulate.

Upon entering the container, Dustin suppressed every urge to work for a treat so that he could live the life of an ascetic. At 3 p.m., when Dustin was at the brink of achieving nirvana, AST veteran Lily Hsu walked into the room to pick up a a biology textbook, scaring the boy home.