LOS ANGELES—An unidentified student at Canfield Avenue Elementary School has killed yet another barbie doll.
School teachers were alerted to yet another brutal murder of one of those anatomically impossible dolls on Friday. The murder appears to be part of the same, ongoing killing spree in which three other barbie dolls have been stripped naked, dismembered, and displayed in obscene, grotesque positions on the playground.
“You should’ve seen the look on her face,” the killer said, laughing and breathing heavily on the phone. “That look on her face, when I snapped her to pieces with my bare hands. Oh, God, yes. I am God.”
The killer appears to target heterosexual, Caucasian blonde dolls that conform to conventional Western standards of feminine beauty. African American dolls were left untouched. There were no Asian, Hispanic, Native American or fat or transgender or Muslim dolls to kill.
“As gruesome as these crimes are, we are thankful that non-whites are not the target here for once,” said second grader Marcus Washington. “They wanna kill a nigga Muslim or a Native American? Well, shit, they killed all of us hundreds of years ago, so what the fuck they gonna do about that?”
After her low-life husband left her for another woman, local housewife Kirsten Dunce took proactive measures to find a man who is rich, confident, and just psychopathic enough to take good care of her.
Approximately 1 percent of the general population is blessed with psychopathy, officially called Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fifth edition (DSM-5). Virtually all of these lucky people are male. Symptoms of psychopathy include killer charm, roguish good looks, and intractable, red-blooded strength.
It is thus no surprise that, contrary to popular belief, many psychopaths have long turned away from such base pleasures as serial killing and raping to such loftier pursuits as practicing law, ruling Syria, and being the President of the United States.
“I need a handsome, charming fella who can take good care of me,” Mrs. Dunce said thoughtfully. “He also has to be rich and confident, and maybe fall somewhere near the middle of the Antisocial Personality Disorder spectrum so that he has the balls to grab women by the pussy.”
Mrs. Dunce is currently choosing between two men: Ted, a dashing, young attorney at the white shoe firm Bundy LLP, and Jeffrey, a brilliant businessman and founder of the fast food chain Dahmer Legs and Wings.
While her standards of romance are high, Mrs. Dunce said she will “keep an open mind.”