After his fire-breathing diatribe against the NFL, President Trump issued a formal apology to the American people. Many who heard the speech identified it as Abraham Lincoln’s 1863 Gettysburg Address, which reaffirms such fundamental principles of American democracy as human equality and liberty.
“Four scores and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal,” Trump intoned. He added, “Notice how I said ‘men’.”
Trump’s apology fell flat and backfired almost instantaneously. Amid jeers and general chaos outside Trump Tower, the president shouted, “I don’t understand why you sons of bitches don’t like my speech. It’s fucking patriotic.”
University of Chicago professor of political science Leo Strauss remarked, “Trump’s delivery of one of the most beloved orations in American history evinces his thoroughgoing ignorance of elementary history and disrespect for core democratic ideals as well as a low proficiency in vocabulary and logic. ‘Four score’ means 80, so the speech was made 87 years after America was founded. What year is this?”
“That’s not what ‘score’ means,” Trump replied in a recent press briefing. “‘Score’ means the football player scored, get it? And why am I even talking to you fake news reporters?”
Trump detractors commented on the inappropriateness of delivering a wartime speech during our present period of peace. They also noted that the speech does not serve well as a formal apology.
“Fuck you, bitches,” said Trump. “‘Apology’ means ‘defense for my conduct’, and I’m here to defend my so-called unbecoming conduct. We’re at war now. War is what makes our nation great. You want peace? Prepare for war. War of the people, by the people, and for the people. Do not twist the words of our great President Lincoln.”
LOS ANGELES—An unidentified student at Canfield Avenue Elementary School has killed yet another barbie doll.
School teachers were alerted to yet another brutal murder of one of those anatomically impossible dolls on Friday. The murder appears to be part of the same, ongoing killing spree in which three other barbie dolls have been stripped naked, dismembered, and displayed in obscene, grotesque positions on the playground.
“You should’ve seen the look on her face,” the killer said, laughing and breathing heavily on the phone. “That look on her face, when I snapped her to pieces with my bare hands. Oh, God, yes. I am God.”
The killer appears to target heterosexual, Caucasian blonde dolls that conform to conventional Western standards of feminine beauty. African American dolls were left untouched. There were no Asian, Hispanic, Native American or fat or transgender or Muslim dolls to kill.
“As gruesome as these crimes are, we are thankful that non-whites are not the target here for once,” said second grader Marcus Washington. “They wanna kill a nigga Muslim or a Native American? Well, shit, they killed all of us hundreds of years ago, so what the fuck they gonna do about that?”
GAFFNEY, SC—The Aryan Brotherhood has been moving to Taiwan in recent years in their attempt to become an internationally recognized nonprofit organization. In an unexpected turn of events, the leadership of the prison gang announced that it will host a Model United Nations (MUN) conference in Taiwan in order to reaffirm an image of legitimacy they have long struggled to maintain.
Although the organization has not publicly announced the venue of the conference, sources confirm that it will be held somewhere in the Central Mountain Range, where the ethnic and cultural diversity of Taiwanese indigenous tribes may help foster a climate of tolerance, acceptance, and other values conducive to international diplomacy.
The conference will consist completely of Caucasian Protestants, who the Brotherhood claim are in the best position to spread peace and love. “We at the Aryan Brotherhood believe that the best way to contribute to world peace is to find open minded individuals who can respect our hegemony,” said Marcus Washington, one of only five hundred members of the powerful prison gang. “Only when people have accepted our hegemony can we call what we are doing a collaborative endeavor. Only when people are unquestioningly and reliably subservient to the Brotherhood can we begin to spread the word of God.”
Taipei has remained silent on the matter despite growing international pressure on both the prison gang and the island nation to elaborate on the situation.