Nashville–Alarmed by wizards’ ability to abort fetuses with the wave of a wand, pro-life lawmakers in Tennessee passed a law that bans abortion for muggles and wizards. “We know that if you ban muggle abortion, muggles will get abortions anyway with the help of wizards. So, we banned abortions for wizards too. Using magic to perform abortions is just as unbiblical as using modern medicine,” says Republican congressman John Hooker.
Though Hooker’s sentiment is echoed by scores of other politicians, doctors and biology professors object. Vanderbilt Professor of bioethics Dr. Dick Longhair explained that such “moralistic justifications hold no water given that the requirements for personhood are infinitely more demanding than a heartbeat, be it wizard or non-wizard.” He adds, “For the layman, this means that Hooker and his ilk can STFU and read a goddamn book.”
Experts predict that there will be a sharp increase in illegal muggle abortions. They add that there is insufficient data to accurately predict future trends in wizard abortions, because wizards are too sneaky with their magic to be predictable.
CYBERSPACE–Saying that he has not written anything good in months, aspiring writer Jack Torrance, 41, overcame writer’s block for five fucking minutes after reading internet tips on overcoming writer’s block. “It’s terrific, these YouTube people and shit,” remarked Torrance. “They tell me to write as much as I can and forget about the fame and fortune and to write something rather than nothing, and I’m, like, fuck yeah, let’s write something, motherfucker, and I get excited about writing something for a whole five fucking minutes after hearing these tips.” After five minutes, the positive effects of the internet tips have all but vanished. In those five minutes of glory, Torrance had managed to write one excellent blog post entitled “Aspiring writer says internet tips on overcoming writer’s block totally inspired him for five fucking minutes.” To celebrate his most recent accomplishments, he has resumed watching Netflix and masturbating to pornography.
CYBERSPACE–After his credit card company mistook a WordPress premium subscription for an “unauthorized transaction,” impoverished WordPress user Ronald Dump decides to write again. “They took away my domain and now I’m left with a shitty blog URL,” lamented Dump. “I pay for the fucking thing every year, but I rarely post anything, so what’s the point?”
After doing some research, Dump discovered that roughly 97.2% of WordPress users have shitty blog addresses and most of them have shitty content that no one bothers to read anyway. “The whole thing is a fucking scam,” he writes, adding that “we write self-indulgent bullshit that no one reads.” Furthermore, WordPress has determined to fine Ronald Dump due to the disputed transaction. Dump, of course, is loathe to pay. “Everybody and their mother owe WordPress some money now,” he muttered under his breath. “Fucking bloodsuckers.”
Dump explains that he’d rather suck on his dog’s nuts than pay another 120 US dollars for a years’ worth of bullshit WordPress privileges, and from now on will remain frugal lest he reneges on his promise to refrain from paying and end up having to lick his dog’s nuts.
As of Wednesday morning, Dump has reneged on his promise not to pay and then coughed up the dough to renew his shitty website. He has not licked his dog’s nuts.
Seoul — A new study published by Seoul National University indicates that Korean senior citizens are “very satisfied” with the marijuana they have been using. “This weed is A plus,” opined Park Hyun-In, 62, who has been smoking at least one gram of the traditional Korean herb per week for the past two years. “I try getting my daughter to smoke sacred vegetable, tell her good for homework grades and such, but she say no.”
Published in the Journal of Korean Medical Science, “Epidemiology of Cannabis Use and Associated Benefits” claims that 53 percent of Koreans aged sixty or above are “satisfied” with the marijuana they have been receiving, 20 percent are “very satisfied,” and 9 percent are “too high to respond properly.”
The results are encouraging for Koreans, who are viewed by neighboring Asians as one of the most progressive citizens of the world ever since a referendum in 2013 paved the way for the legalization of marijuana and other substances, including cocaine and methamphetamine, both of which are frequently used to boost studying and work.
After struggling for four seemingly Sisyphean years at an accredited university, Christina Moran, 26, received her long-awaited B.S. in Copy and Paste. “At first, I was so scared. My typing speed was 24 words per minute and I often forgot to save my work, and I thought I’d never make it. But here I am with my snazzy degree, and my parents must be so proud. I love you, Mom and Dad!”
According to Dr. Dave Yew, who works at an accredited university somewhere in Asia, the field of copying and pasting has grown exponentially in the past two decades, and its importance in the ever-changing world that we live in cannot be disputed. “The advent of the laptop has afforded all of us beautiful opportunities to help the world. Back then, we had typewriters. But now, with our cutting-edge technology, we can really help to disseminate important information across the globe by putting into practice the binary computational theory of C.T.R.L.C. and C.T.R.L.V. as well as some abstruse principles of L.O.L. language.”
A beaming Christina adds that “Dr. Yew is the best teacher ever. Seriously, he really cares about teaching. First, whatever he says is right. Second, we can never be smarter than him. And he lets us know that. Isn’t he just brilliant?”
By all accounts, Christina has a long and exciting life ahead of her. Armed with expert knowledge of Microsoft Word and PowerPoint, Christina plans to take the world by storm by any means necessary.
Dr. Yew, who has two PhDs in Copy and Paste, will be teaching a course on the History of Western Art and another on Bertrand Russell’s History of Western Philosophy. Ever indefatigable and brimming with scholarship, he does not plan to retire any time soon.
Saying that he would rather witness a live decapitation than watch two people kiss on screen, twelve-year-old film critic Dustin Huffman lambasted the film industry with an interminable slew of “ew”s.
“I watched Ready Player One and the book was definitely better than the movie, because there were too many kissing scenes in the movie,” he explained. “Ewwwwww.”
In the past few months, Dustin has garnered the attention and respect of scores of cinemaphiles, thus beginning to dominate other venerated critics on Rotten Tomatoes and Roger Ebert. Many accomplished film directors have begun to pay attention to Dustin’s insightful complaints, conceding that any movie that depicts any level of sexual contact between consenting adults is too “ewwwww.”
“I sincerely regret having that beautiful Sicilian woman take her clothes off and kiss Michael Corleone in The Godfather,” lamented Francis Ford Coppola. “It’s been more than forty years since I made that movie, and now all I can think of is ewwwwwwwwww. The film is utterly without redeeming social value because the ew-factor is too high. The Godfather III is even worse because there’s even more kissing, but at least they’re cousins.”
Ironically, however, Dustin’s parent’s found last Monday a massive amount of pornography on Dustin’s computer. “I never thought I’d have to install a firewall or whatever you call that,” said Ariana Huffman, 43. “He was always saying ‘ew’ to everything ranging from broccoli to bestiality, so I thought he’d be naturally repelled by our evolutionary instincts and be voluntarily celibate.”
Reporters attempted to interview Dustin, who declined to comment and explained that he had more important things to do than to deal with our silly questions. He was last seen playing with a fidget toy while blowing someone’s brains out in virtual reality.
Dog-tired from work, my wife and I decided to pamper ourselves at the fancy-looking Hannibal’s Restaurant, the only place in the world where you can legally consume human flesh. Fiasco. We were made to wait half an hour before our pimple-faced waiter handed us a knife, which we used to cut off our own love handles. Needless to say, the service was bad. He should have sliced us up himself.
And then there’s the bleeding. Nothing to stem the bleeding, and they didn’t even make blood pudding, so it was all wasted. We just bled profusely and got all dizzy due to loss of blood pressure and we couldn’t get water to swallow our ibuprofen because they would’ve made us pay for that overpriced Evian shit.
And then there’s our faces. Why would you slice off your customer’s nose before you serve him appetizers? And so I couldn’t smell the rest of my meal. There I was, waiting thirty minutes for a meal that may never come and which I will absolutely never smell. Inexcusable. We had to gouge out our own eyes to finally get the appetizers (again, they should’ve done it for us) and then we were too blind to find where our noses were, so my wife and I ended up lunging at each others’ faces in the dark before our lips met and we finally chewed off each others’ tongues and had a taste of something nice and raw.
That was two hours of our lives and $250.34 we’ll never get back. Overall, a terrible experience. And I don’t know why the waiter is still alive. Steer clear of this place.