LAS VEGAS—Mass murderer Stephen Paddock had a Caesar salad before killing at least 58 people and injuring almost 500.
“He said he didn’t want croutons and that he doesn’t like Italian and would rather have room temperature water than iced water,” said Mandalay Bay hotel staff. “Hey, man. Whatever satisfies the public’s appetite for new and exciting stories, right?”
Claiming that the hotel staff is remiss to disregard such an “important piece of the puzzle,” avid television-watcher-cum-amateur-forensic-psychologist Mike T. Vie countered that the killer’s choice of comestibles can lend insight into his mind. “We’re talking about a person who’d rather have Caesar salad than, say, an egg salad sandwich. What’s wrong with him? Does he have Celiac disease or some other gluten sensitivity? Is that why he didn’t want croutons? Is that why he’s so angry? Because he is sensitive to gluten?”
A massacre survivor who preferred to remain anonymous said, “Who gives a flying fuck? You think this is an episode of Twin Peaks? I saved 30 people and took two bullets from an assault rifle. You think I give a shit about what that motherfucker ate?”
The shooter also allegedly scratched his nose with his left index finger and wiped bits of cheese off his beard with the wrong napkin.
To the FBI. This is the Zodiac speaking. I have stopped killing my beloved Americans and decided to build a wall between Mexico and the U.S. I will change your healthcare. I will sexually assault your women. I will pollute the environment and approve the Keystone and Dakota pipelines and continue to lower carbon emission standards. I will I ensure I ostracize minorities and incur the wrath of Muslims, gays, transgender people, and any world leader on whim. I will incur the wrath of North Korea. I will cause a full-blown nuclear war. If you attempt to stop me, I will get rid of you anyway. I have already gotten rid of your FBI Director.
I will destroy White House records. I will do everything in my power to stop abortions, increase unsafe abortions around the world, make contraception a thing of the past, and ensure that the mothers of babies die before the babies grow up to be gassed or drowned by a naturally changing climate that is caused by Orion and non-existent Zodiac signs. You will die unless you join me and my team of white men and money-grubbing suckers. I will indoctrinate your children.
I have colluded with foreign powers and will continue to do so. I will lead you on wild goose chases and distract you by sending you more and more messages, and even tweets, and insoluble ciphers. I don’t go by one name alone. On Twitter, my name is “bigot”. I have multiple names. You can’t catch me. You can’t stop me.
I am the Zodiac.
P.S. Everyone should wear the red caps I sent you. Or I will slit your throat or bash your head in with a blunt object. It might be the special prosecutor. It might be the attorney general. It might be the national security adviser. You won’t know who it is. But you will see it on the news.
LOS ANGELES—An unidentified student at Canfield Avenue Elementary School has killed yet another barbie doll.
School teachers were alerted to yet another brutal murder of one of those anatomically impossible dolls on Friday. The murder appears to be part of the same, ongoing killing spree in which three other barbie dolls have been stripped naked, dismembered, and displayed in obscene, grotesque positions on the playground.
“You should’ve seen the look on her face,” the killer said, laughing and breathing heavily on the phone. “That look on her face, when I snapped her to pieces with my bare hands. Oh, God, yes. I am God.”
The killer appears to target heterosexual, Caucasian blonde dolls that conform to conventional Western standards of feminine beauty. African American dolls were left untouched. There were no Asian, Hispanic, Native American or fat or transgender or Muslim dolls to kill.
“As gruesome as these crimes are, we are thankful that non-whites are not the target here for once,” said second grader Marcus Washington. “They wanna kill a nigga Muslim or a Native American? Well, shit, they killed all of us hundreds of years ago, so what the fuck they gonna do about that?”