Saying that he would rather witness a live decapitation than watch two people kiss on screen, twelve-year-old film critic Dustin Huffman lambasted the film industry with an interminable slew of “ew”s.
“I watched Ready Player One and the book was definitely better than the movie, because there were too many kissing scenes in the movie,” he explained. “Ewwwwww.”
In the past few months, Dustin has garnered the attention and respect of scores of cinemaphiles, thus beginning to dominate other venerated critics on Rotten Tomatoes and Roger Ebert. Many accomplished film directors have begun to pay attention to Dustin’s insightful complaints, conceding that any movie that depicts any level of sexual contact between consenting adults is too “ewwwww.”
“I sincerely regret having that beautiful Sicilian woman take her clothes off and kiss Michael Corleone in The Godfather,” lamented Francis Ford Coppola. “It’s been more than forty years since I made that movie, and now all I can think of is ewwwwwwwwww. The film is utterly without redeeming social value because the ew-factor is too high. The Godfather III is even worse because there’s even more kissing, but at least they’re cousins.”
Ironically, however, Dustin’s parent’s found last Monday a massive amount of pornography on Dustin’s computer. “I never thought I’d have to install a firewall or whatever you call that,” said Ariana Huffman, 43. “He was always saying ‘ew’ to everything ranging from broccoli to bestiality, so I thought he’d be naturally repelled by our evolutionary instincts and be voluntarily celibate.”
Reporters attempted to interview Dustin, who declined to comment and explained that he had more important things to do than to deal with our silly questions. He was last seen playing with a fidget toy while blowing someone’s brains out in virtual reality.