BLOGOSPHERE—Saying that he will kill himself if he doesn’t get more than two ‘likes’, blogger Ronald Dump, 32, went on a massive liking spree in a last-ditch effort to achieve fame and fortune, subsequently developing Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
“I spent more time ‘liking’ everyone’s blog than I did watching porn. That is unprecedented,” declared an inattentive Dump, who continued to ‘like’ everyone’s post while he talked to reporters. “I will do this until I get more likes. If I don’t, I will kill myself.”
Dump rudely avoided eye contact throughout the interview as he winced in pain clicking ‘like’ buttons. To ease the pain, he periodically sipped on a tumbler of single malt whisky with the help of his other hand. “This is also unprecedented,” he mumbled with a cigarette in his mouth. “I usually use my other hand for recreational purposes while the first hand clicks on pornography. But I’ve discovered that that’s a real waste of time, and blogging is more important.”
The single malt, in tandem with a Tupperware full of Xanax, also serves as a means to take his own life should he not become an internet celebrity. Additionally, Dump has set a large revolver in his desk drawer and lots of ammo in case his firearm jams. “I swear to God I will blow my brains out,” he said. “Fucking ‘like’ me already. I ‘liked’ you. What the fuck else do you want?”
Unfortunately, Dump has had no ‘likes’ since he ‘liked’ everyone’s blog. He is nowhere to be found and has not answered our phone calls since Monday. While he may simply be suffering from writer’s block, the assumption is that he has killed himself.
Dump’s last words were, “I would rather kill myself than ‘like’ myself.”
BLOGOSPHERE—Saying that she’s bored of every WordPress blog except her own, successful blogger Sheryl Sans-Blurb reads her own blog posts dozens of times a day, guffawing maniacally between moments of barely suppressed giggles. “I love reading my own stuff because it’s so exciting,” she gushed. “I’m passionate like that.”
Sans-Blurb has increased her blog viewership by 1200% using this strategy, and she advises all aspiring bloggers to do the same. “Reading your own posts billions of times not only boosts blog views; it allows you to catch typos and grammamr mistakes and improve your Featured Image so that everything is fine-tuned to perfection. That’s what gets viewers hooked.”
Two bloggers have already liked her most recent post, including her mom.
CYBERSPACE—Desperately seeking to regain an audience after going on a one-week hiatus, a blogger begins to post bullshit.
College-educated cafe intellectual Ellen Degenerate, 29, had been blogging for two months. In a matter of weeks, the average number of daily visitors to her blog more than doubled (from 1 visitor to 3).
Complacent with her success, Ms. Degenerate stopped posting daily, opting instead to engage, with fellow cafe-goers and college kids, in stimulating conversations fueled by coffee and Adderall.
She wrote: “The development of semaphores is a robust issue. In this paper, we demonstrate the exploration of the World Wide Web, which embodies the theoretical principles of artificial intelligence. In this work we motivate a signed tool for controlling the producer-consumer problem (DimArdor), proving that congestion control and expert systems can interfere to answer this obstacle.”
Ms. Degenerate meticulously chose tags that she thought would best boost readership, and even advertised her post on Facebook. So far, no one has read—let alone liked—her post.
“That’s not a surprise, I guess,” she muttered. “The writing is bullshit anyway. It’s shit. It’s horseshit. Whatever you wanna call it. I just post shit by using the MIT random paper generator.”
In spite of her deflated ego, Ms. Degenerate resolves to reattain her short-lived success in the blogosphere by writing more bullshit. She encourages fellow demoralized bloggers who aspire to her recently lost level of fame to do the same.
Ms. Degenerate is currently working on another blog post, provisionally entitled, “Famous Quotes about Chocolate Cake Recipes.”