BLOGOSPHERE—Saying that he will kill himself if he doesn’t get more than two ‘likes’, blogger Ronald Dump, 32, went on a massive liking spree in a last-ditch effort to achieve fame and fortune, subsequently developing Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
“I spent more time ‘liking’ everyone’s blog than I did watching porn. That is unprecedented,” declared an inattentive Dump, who continued to ‘like’ everyone’s post while he talked to reporters. “I will do this until I get more likes. If I don’t, I will kill myself.”
Dump rudely avoided eye contact throughout the interview as he winced in pain clicking ‘like’ buttons. To ease the pain, he periodically sipped on a tumbler of single malt whisky with the help of his other hand. “This is also unprecedented,” he mumbled with a cigarette in his mouth. “I usually use my other hand for recreational purposes while the first hand clicks on pornography. But I’ve discovered that that’s a real waste of time, and blogging is more important.”
The single malt, in tandem with a Tupperware full of Xanax, also serves as a means to take his own life should he not become an internet celebrity. Additionally, Dump has set a large revolver in his desk drawer and lots of ammo in case his firearm jams. “I swear to God I will blow my brains out,” he said. “Fucking ‘like’ me already. I ‘liked’ you. What the fuck else do you want?”
Unfortunately, Dump has had no ‘likes’ since he ‘liked’ everyone’s blog. He is nowhere to be found and has not answered our phone calls since Monday. While he may simply be suffering from writer’s block, the assumption is that he has killed himself.
Dump’s last words were, “I would rather kill myself than ‘like’ myself.”
SEATTLE—After having one too many tacos at the library, a slightly overweight student sat on her university ID, unintentionally snapping it in half with the weight of her buttocks.
Noting that her university ID also serves as her dormitory card, credit card, restaurant discount card, and source of self-esteem, Shelby Li, 21, broke down and promptly fell into clinical depression. “How am I supposed to get University Teriyaki now?” she shrieked. “How am I ever gonna get a boyfriend if I can’t go back to my dorm to sleep or shower?!”
Since her breakdown, Ms. Li has not had food, water, sleep, sex, or anything that gives her pitiful life a modicum of evolutionary or philosophical meaning. And she still has a one-page writing assignment to look forward to.
Although her friends worry about her mental health, Ms. Li is too deeply depressed to have the energy to contemplate suicide.
DURBAN—A clinically depressed woman who tried to commit suicide by smoking an ounce of marijuana lost her Bic lighter and died “staaaaarving, dude.”
The husband returned from work to find his wife, Marjorie Queen, 56, sprawled lifelessly on the living room couch with an empty pack of Doritos still in her left hand, a TV remote control in her right, and an unholy grin on her face. A suicide letter was tucked in her shirt pocket.
The husband said that the suicide letter was a “collection of near-illegible laments that highlighted just how distraught she was.” According to the letter, Mrs. Queen’s last words were: “Where’s my lighter? Who Bic-ed me? I’m staaaaarving, dude.”
Mrs. Queen was under the impression that cannabis is more dangerous and addictive than heroin and methamphetamine. She obtained the marijuana from her son’s room, where she found a Ziploc filled with Durban Poison, a strain of marijuana. Coroners concluded that Mrs. Queen smoked an entire ounce of the high-quality marijuana in 20 minutes.
The federal government warns that, while cannabis does not directly cause death, excessive consumption leads to starvation and extreme fire hazards related to smokers’ inability to find and operate lighters.