Tag: trump

Music, Politics

Kim, Trump reach nuclear agreement grooving to Aqua’s Barbie Girl

Pyongyang—Saying he is tired of “the whole nuclear thing and just wants to chill,” Kim Jong-un signed a nuclear disarmament treaty with US president Donald Trump while the two leaders grooved to the Danish-Norwegian dance pop group Aqua’s immortal hit, “Barbie Girl.”

“I am delighted to say Donald really got me in the mood. He brought back so many memories by playing that song in the privacy of our room in the Rugyon Hotel,” Kim gushed.

President Trump tweeted nostalgically, “Kim and me danced to AQUA’S BARBIE GIRL. Good times!”

“Barbie Girl” has been hailed by critics as a groundbreaking artistic masterpiece, at once stylistically daring due to its ingenious polyrhythmic elements and somewhat traditional because of its allusions to Mozart, Bach, and Turkish Sufi music. Now, after making the two long-time archenemies coexist harmoniously, the timeless song embodies the ethos of our new and peaceful age.

“Forget about ‘A Man Like Putin’,” said Trump. “Vladimir is frackin’ hot af and I enjoy being his bitch, but Kimmy’s on a-whole-nother level. We really got down on the floor.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Politics, Sports

Trump plagiarizes Gettysburg Address, delivers formal apology to nation

After his fire-breathing diatribe against the NFL, President Trump issued a formal apology to the American people. Many who heard the speech identified it as Abraham Lincoln’s 1863 Gettysburg Address, which reaffirms such fundamental principles of American democracy as human equality and liberty.

“Four scores and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal,” Trump intoned. He added, “Notice how I said ‘men’.”

Trump’s apology fell flat and backfired almost instantaneously. Amid jeers and general chaos outside Trump Tower, the president shouted, “I don’t understand why you sons of bitches don’t like my speech. It’s fucking patriotic.”

University of Chicago professor of political science Leo Strauss remarked, “Trump’s delivery of one of the most beloved orations in American history evinces his thoroughgoing ignorance of elementary history and disrespect for core democratic ideals as well as a low proficiency in vocabulary and logic. ‘Four score’ means 80, so the speech was made 87 years after America was founded. What year is this?”

“That’s not what ‘score’ means,” Trump replied in a recent press briefing. “‘Score’ means the football player scored, get it? And why am I even talking to you fake news reporters?”

Trump detractors commented on the inappropriateness of delivering a wartime speech during our present period of peace. They also noted that the speech does not serve well as a formal apology.

“Fuck you, bitches,” said Trump. “‘Apology’ means ‘defense for my conduct’, and I’m here to defend my so-called unbecoming conduct. We’re at war now. War is what makes our nation great. You want peace? Prepare for war. War of the people, by the people, and for the people. Do not twist the words of our great President Lincoln.”

Politics

Zodiac killer gets rid of FBI director, makes threats

To the FBI. This is the Zodiac speaking. I have stopped killing my beloved Americans and decided to build a wall between Mexico and the U.S. I will change your healthcare. I will sexually assault your women. I will pollute the environment and approve the Keystone and Dakota pipelines and continue to lower carbon emission standards. I will I ensure I ostracize minorities and incur the wrath of Muslims, gays, transgender people, and any world leader on whim. I will incur the wrath of North Korea. I will cause a full-blown nuclear war. If you attempt to stop me, I will get rid of you anyway. I have already gotten rid of your FBI Director.

I will destroy White House records. I will do everything in my power to stop abortions, increase unsafe abortions around the world, make contraception a thing of the past, and ensure that the mothers of babies die before the babies grow up to be gassed or drowned by a naturally changing climate that is caused by Orion and non-existent Zodiac signs. You will die unless you join me and my team of white men and money-grubbing suckers. I will indoctrinate your children.

I have colluded with foreign powers and will continue to do so. I will lead you on wild goose chases and distract you by sending you more and more messages, and even tweets, and insoluble ciphers. I don’t go by one name alone. On Twitter, my name is “bigot”. I have multiple names. You can’t catch me. You can’t stop me.

I am the Zodiac.

P.S. Everyone should wear the red caps I sent you. Or I will slit your throat or bash your head in with a blunt object. It might be the special prosecutor. It might be the attorney general. It might be the national security adviser. You won’t know who it is. But you will see it on the news.

 

Politics

Uptight Trump says Russian probe “really hurts,” begs for bipartisan lubrication

WASHINGTON—An uptight Trump is begging politicians for political lubrication as the special prosecutor continues to probe him.

“It’s a little too rough for me now,” tweeted the President. “There are some bad, bad men who take pleasure in my pain when I need bipartisan lubrication.”

White House sources report that the President is becoming increasingly agitated, paranoid, and irrational, and that a rectal obstruction from which he is allegedly suffering is now under threat of being penetrated by Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller and other hardheaded Democrats.

In his effort to appease the agitated president, Kremlin Press Secretary Dmitry Peskov told Trump, “There is nothing to worry about, my friend. In Soviet Russia, you don’t urinate on whores. Government urinate and shit on you. Oh, shit. Wait … that’s not the way the joke works, is it?”

“The President attempted to obstruct the probe by firing [FBI Director] James Comey,” said Trump’s lawyer Jaw Sekulow. “I’m just a new guy on his legal team. I don’t know him well. Fuck it. I guess I’ll quit while I’m ahead.”

 

 

Politics

Russians claim they did not meddle with US presidental erection

WASHINGTON—After President Donald Trump fired FBI Director James Comey, the Putin spokesperson claimed that Russia did not meddle with the 2016 presidential erection.

“That’s Trump’s problem,” said Dmitry Prekov, Kremlin Press Secretary. “We have nothing to do with it. We’re sure you guys can maintain your own presidential erections. This is a U.S. internal affair, so we’re sure it’s all in your head.”

The comment came after Comey, who was heading a probe that examined alleged collusion between Trump’s 2016 campaign and the Kremlin, was dismissed Tuesday by the president. “The fucker really shafted me there,” said Comey. “Him and those damn Russians.”

While reasonable Americans believe that Comey’s dismissal has something to do with the investigation into Trump’s potential collusion with Russia, not every American is reasonable.

“The American people can trust us to hold dependable erections that are fair and accessible to the public,” said former congressman Anthony Weiner.

Beagle reporters were arrested when they attempted to question the President while he was golfing at the Mar-a-Lago estate. “You’re breaking my concentration!” he cried. “Every stroke counts!”

The President reportedly set his official business aside after playing golf, and returned to his room to watch the TV show, “Keeping it up with the Kardashians.”

 

Politics

Ohio Residents Celebrate President Trump’s Legalization of Marijuana

by Doobie Man, Jr.

“He made America great again!” said Billie Nelson, as he paused between tokes on his fashionable, hand rolled marijuana cigarette, complete with “hipster tip” as filter.
“I’ve been smoking marijuana for years. But I’ve never witnessed such a jump in the increase of quality until Mr. Trump took office. Sure, I got my hands on some dank nuggets under Obama’s term, but lately, the amount and variety of quality pot has never been better.”
Mr. Nelson is just one of many Ohio residents who, basking in an abundance of fine marijuana, have never been more content with the state of the Union. In fact, on nearly every street corner in Ohio, rural and urban, people may be seen celebrating with a spliff, blunt, joint, or smoking apparatus of some sort.
While for many it seems perfectly clear that President Trump is responsible for this change, others are still skeptical. Ms. Jane, a Columbus native, had this to say about the whole hubbub surrounding Trump and his efforts to “increase the green.”
“Sure. No one can deny that the grass has never been better, greener, etc., but you shouldn’t forget that we are still reaping the long-term results of Obama’s hard work done in support of stoners. Every time Republicans take power, they always try to claim responsibility for the benefits that come from reforms that were actually carried out by the Democrats. Now they say Trump fixed the economy and he’s getting us extra stoned. I don’t buy it!” ejaculated Ms. Jane.
There are even some conspiracy theorists that claim Trump is not “pro-weed.” It seems that only time will tell which president will stand in history as the most plant friendly. But for the moment, Americans may rest proudly in their hammocks, on their lawn chairs and couches, knowing that their own country is number one in terms of quality and quantity of ganja production and enjoyment.

Politics

Fireproof edition of Fahrenheit 451 available after Trump burned books to quell civil unrest

Two weeks after Trump issued Executive Order 19840, which ordered the burning of books deemed by the White House to be inappropriate for the public, Oxford University Press decided to publish a fireproof version of Ray Bradbury’s Fahrenheit 451.

Written by an avid library-goer who never went to college, the classic novel recounts the tale of a dystopian future in which all books are banned in the name of keeping people safe and happy.

Trump signed the Executive Order in response to a recent spate of disillusioned Americans who wanted to restore stability to a country torn by violent sociopolitical disagreements.

He said, “Coloured people don’t like Little Black Sambo. Burn it. White people don’t feel good about Uncle Tom’s Cabin. Burn it. Someone’s written a book on tobacco and cancer of the lungs? The cigarette people are weeping? Burn the book.”

The president’s plan backfired. Citing their right to assemble peaceably under the First Amendment, thousands of people from across the nation staged protests against the Executive Order. Riots broke out in major cities. Twelve people reportedly died in Portland as a result of the civil unrest, and hundreds of protesters and riot police are in critical condition.

Not long after the riots broke out, universities in the English-speaking world developed the first-ever fireproof edition of Fahrenheit 451, which some government officials are calling “treacherous and morally repugnant.”

Attorney General Jeff Sessions stated in a press briefing, “The First Amendment guarantees us the right to assemble peaceably. What they do not give us is the right to assemble when people’s safety is at stake. Books contain conflicting, confusing, and controversial ideas that often threaten national security. To assemble in any way, shape or form for the purpose of promoting or condoning the dissemination of books that have not been federally approved is wrong. Period.

“Fahrenheit 351 [sic] is the epitome of everything that is treacherous and morally repugnant. It is unfortunate that America’s youth are being corrupted by the ramblings of a dead madman who didn’t even go to college.

“It is even more concerning that the left and their cabal of book-reading lunatics are terrorizing the nation with these so-called peaceful protests, that they are immortalizing a dangerous book that is on a par with Mein Kampf and ISIS propaganda.”

As of this morning, firemen have been deployed in all major cities in America to burn books. Destroyed literature ranges from Dr. Seuss to Plato.

After making the new edition of Fahrenheit 451 available to the public, Oxford University Press will release fireproof editions of George Orwell’s 1984, Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World, John Stuart Mill’s On Liberty, and the United States Constitution.

Trump’s book, The Art of the Deal, is not on the lengthy list of books deemed inappropriate by the White House.