In its first attempt to serve rabbit meat, United Airlines botched the meal by cremating the poor critter. What could have been gourmet food was burnt to a crisp and virtually cremated.
Following recent PR disasters involving the forcible removal of a paying passenger, United Airlines incensed the public yet again when froze a Continental Giant rabbit named Simon and improperly cooked it on a sixteen-hour flight from London to Chicago.
“We’ve been focusing so much on the negative these days, you know, with that pain-in-the-ass passenger we had to drag off the plane and all that shit, so we figured it’s time for change,” said CEO Oscar Munoz. “We thought, ‘Hey, why not defrost Simon and eat him since he’s already dead,’ you know?”
Flight attendants instructed to defrost Simon were dismayed when they found that the rabbit had already been defrosted and improperly cooked by untrained personnel.
“They practically cremated him,” said flight attendant Tom Bruise. “He was inedible. We really fucked that one up. I mean, is there one thing we can’t manage to fuck up?”
United issued a public apology following the botched meal, and promises to deliver consistently high-quality rabbit meals in the future.
Los Angeles—Trapped in an airplane flying at 39,000 ft, Delta passengers failed to escape the unsolicited advances of Kenny Gorelick, more commonly known by his sobriquet Kenny G.
The frizzy-haired multimillionaire took advantage of a turbulent flight in which passengers were hopelessly strapped to their chairs. Having violated the passengers’ eardrums, Mr. Gorelick made overtures to the flight attendants, who ran into the cockpit and stayed there until the sax predator finally chilled out and returned to his seat.
“I had to wait until Kenny G was back at his designated spot,” cried stewardess Miles Coltrane. “Oh God, I can’t believe he did that to me!”
“Kenny G harassed me multiple times on that flight,” said renowned pianist Dick Hyman. “He said he’d blow if I’d donate money to charity. I told him I don’t like the sound of that, and then he asked if I like phone sax. What obscenity!”
Delta apologized for the incident this morning, and assured everyone that they will “re-accommodate” Mr. Gorelick next time he attempts to engage in nonconsensual sax.
WASHINGTON—President Clown Donald McDonald, who last year promised to make “America fat again,” sent troops to seize food from foreign countries that the United States deems to be a threat to its status as one of the most obese nations in the world.
More than 3,000 troops were deployed on Wednesday to Kiribati, the Marshall Islands, and the Cook Islands, each of which boasts an obesity rate that surpasses that of the United States.
“We don’t know what the hell’s going on in these countries and we haven’t even heard of those guys until now, but we know that if they’re fatter than us, then that’s very, very bad,” McDonald tweeted this morning.
The President Clown has tweeted twelve more times in the past few hours. His second tweet, sent just five minutes after the previous, was considered by much of the international community as xenophobic and, ironically, cacomorphobic (fear of fat people). He wrote, “When Kiribati people eat, they’re getting fatter than us, and those people peddle drugs and commit crimes. They’re rapists. Fat rapists. And some, I assume, are good, fat people.”
No sooner had the President Clown tweeted a second time than he once again tweeted: “Fat foreigners are not my enemy. They are the enemy of the American obese. Bad (or sick!) fatlanders!”
The President Clown tweeted, moments later, “Americans must show the world that we are and will remain a globular superpower!”
In the ensuing hours, Senator John McCain repeatedly railed against the President Clown’s unexpected outburst, calling him a “horizontally and politically challenged disgrace to the American people.” He added, “Donald is a fat hypocrite. He condemns foreigners as fat, yet he himself is an obese bully who uses diabetes, high blood pressure, cancer, and other McDonald weapons on his own people.”
Political experts told Americans not to pay attention to the President Clown’s tweets, saying that it is the President Clown’s way of distracting Americans from more pressing problems. Saul Goodman, a professor of political science at George Washington University, said that “the President Clown is hurting millions of innocent people living on these island nations and Americans are focusing on those goddamn tweets. What’s the most pressing problems? Frankly, I have no idea. But those tweets are not one of them.”
Meanwhile, an Asian man was falsely accused of smuggling weapons of MacDestruction onto a United Airlines flight headed for the Cook Islands, and airport security was filmed manhandling the man and throwing him out the plane.
Also, Russia is angry at McDonald for invading the island nations.