Tag: wisdom

University installs bathrooms for students to regurgitate facts and flush knowledge down toilet

Saying he wants to prepare students for the job market, Chancellor Elvis  Dumbefore of Hogwash College proudly announced the installation of lavatories where students can puke out information and flush away millennia’s worth of wisdom down the toilet.

“At Hogwash, we will make higher education relevant again. Students can now gain real world experience and be ready to enter the workforce by the time they graduate. If they find that Plato or Kant take too much of their time and energy, they can now visit our new restrooms, known as Knowledge Vomitiriums, to relieve themselves, so that they have time to kiss their employers’ asses.”

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Distinguished professor of law Elvis Dumbefore is the chancellor of Hogwash College

Despite its name, the “Knowledge Vomitorium” is equipped not only  with (1) a sink into which students can regurgitate information that they learned though never deeply pondered, but also (2) high-power commodes with which they can dispose of scholarly materials they are too lazy to digest as well as (3) buckets into which students may drop bullshit, which will then be reused as fertilizer to facilitate the flourishing of young freshmen.

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A successful student at Hogwash College poses beside an alum who now works in law enforcement.

“We are a green campus,” Dumbefore explained. “We recycle everything, especially bullshit, because these days there’s just too much bullshit for us to dump into the landfill in good conscience.”

Despite Dumbefore’s optimism, a few professors and students have raised eyebrows.

“Once in a while, we encounter a kernel of undigested truth that messes with the plumbing in the Knowledge Vomitoriums, but those pesky little things are few and far between, so we’re not very concerned about those,” says Professor of Communication Ben Zodiazepine.

A minority of students take it even further, arguing that the Knowledge Vomitoriums only spell trouble for the future. On their view, the proper way of dealing with those vexing kernels of truth is to extract them from the pipes, no matter how hard it may be to do so, so that we can more easily identify, analyze, and digest them.

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Two students from Hogwash College struggle to regurgitate on the streets.

“We have to do it,” says math prodigy Paul Liedtke, 16. “Otherwise, we’ll be clogging up the toilets so bad one day that we’ll literally be drowning in a great flood of data and bullshit.”

Student Scott F. Bakin, 23, lamented:

“Shit, dude. Last night, I had to take this huge shit. And when I shat, dude, all this shit just started overflowing. Fucking disgusting, dude. Those fucking kernels of truth are hard as fuck to destroy. And they make life hard, trying to find them stuck infinitely deep in the plumbing where we’ll never know. Drano doesn’t help. Worse, they might be in some dark, godless recess tucked profoundly in some elderly professor’s asshole. We gotta deal with that shit, man. That’s sort of gross. I guess that’s why so many people are ignoring the problem.”

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Student Scott F. Bakin accuses the chancellor of being a liar.

The chancellor agreed to address concerns about plumbing. “Everything will be fine,” he tweeted. “There are no kernels of truth. Truth is a relative concept. That’s why it won’t pose a problem for the toilets. Because there are NO KERNALS.”

“He’s a kernel denier,” said Christopher Bitchins, 20. “He’s scientifically illiterate. And maybe just illiterate.”

“That’s a euphemism, ‘kernel denier’ is. There’s a name for people who deny the truth,” said Bakin. “We call them liars.”

Dog tells humans exactly what is wrong with ‘good-hearted’ owners

Moved to tears by a movie about a faithful dog, a family finally played with their beagle after ignoring him for months. Disillusioned, the beagle escaped from his owners, who five months later bought another purebred in an attempt to mend their dysfunctional, bleeding hearts.

The renegade beagle, Roger, is the only dog in the world capable of experiencing complex human emotions, forming second-order desires, and comprehending abstract ideas on a level that surpasses that of the average human.

“Admit it: Dogs as a species are objectively unintelligent,” Roger said with a hint of self-deprecation. “But humans must treat a dog with the same respect as they would a cognitively impaired human. Why? Because there is no morally relevant difference between a stupid dog and an extraordinarily stupid human. We’re different species. So what? A dog and a mentally incapacitated human are equally incapable of participating in the full range of uniquely human activities. So why treat us differently?”

When reporters asked Roger why he hasn’t spoken those words of wisdom to his former owners, the dog laughed. “Of course I have,” he said. “But they’re too dumb to understand what I was saying anyway. Sometimes they care more about me when they watch some sappy movie about some dog who remains loyal to his owner who’s been dead for years. Sometimes they seem to have a sense of justice when they hear about some animal ethics movement on the news. Other times, they just shrug.

“The main reason they got me in the first place was that they wanted a friend, a companion, something to make them feel good about themselves. So, they thought of me at the outset as some kind of emotional tampon.

“The moral value of even their kindest actions are diminished by the fact that they don’t have a sense of duty derived from rationality, a sense of duty that is immune to the vicissitudes of their fickle hearts. I’d rather have a responsible robot for an owner than some unreliable, if good-hearted, human.”

Having completed his monologue, Roger urinated on a fire hydrant and dug into a pungent bone he had unearthed from the depths of dumpster hell. He devoured the bone in seconds and looked up at us. “Fuck you humans,” he remarked abruptly before walking off and going on with his life as we stood there in shock, and then in tears.