CYBERSPACE–Saying that he has not written anything good in months, aspiring writer Jack Torrance, 41, overcame writer’s block for five fucking minutes after reading internet tips on overcoming writer’s block. “It’s terrific, these YouTube people and shit,” remarked Torrance. “They tell me to write as much as I can and forget about the fame and fortune and to write something rather than nothing, and I’m, like, fuck yeah, let’s write something, motherfucker, and I get excited about writing something for a whole five fucking minutes after hearing these tips.” After five minutes, the positive effects of the internet tips have all but vanished. In those five minutes of glory, Torrance had managed to write one excellent blog post entitled “Aspiring writer says internet tips on overcoming writer’s block totally inspired him for five fucking minutes.” To celebrate his most recent accomplishments, he has resumed watching Netflix and masturbating to pornography.
BLOGOSPHERE—Saying that he will kill himself if he doesn’t get more than two ‘likes’, blogger Ronald Dump, 32, went on a massive liking spree in a last-ditch effort to achieve fame and fortune, subsequently developing Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
“I spent more time ‘liking’ everyone’s blog than I did watching porn. That is unprecedented,” declared an inattentive Dump, who continued to ‘like’ everyone’s post while he talked to reporters. “I will do this until I get more likes. If I don’t, I will kill myself.”
Dump rudely avoided eye contact throughout the interview as he winced in pain clicking ‘like’ buttons. To ease the pain, he periodically sipped on a tumbler of single malt whisky with the help of his other hand. “This is also unprecedented,” he mumbled with a cigarette in his mouth. “I usually use my other hand for recreational purposes while the first hand clicks on pornography. But I’ve discovered that that’s a real waste of time, and blogging is more important.”
The single malt, in tandem with a Tupperware full of Xanax, also serves as a means to take his own life should he not become an internet celebrity. Additionally, Dump has set a large revolver in his desk drawer and lots of ammo in case his firearm jams. “I swear to God I will blow my brains out,” he said. “Fucking ‘like’ me already. I ‘liked’ you. What the fuck else do you want?”
Unfortunately, Dump has had no ‘likes’ since he ‘liked’ everyone’s blog. He is nowhere to be found and has not answered our phone calls since Monday. While he may simply be suffering from writer’s block, the assumption is that he has killed himself.
Dump’s last words were, “I would rather kill myself than ‘like’ myself.”
SACRAMENTO—Numerous authors have crushed writer’s block by banging their heads against desks, and many of these writers have risen to fame.
Touted by the Observer as a “gargantuan-selling writer,” James Patterson advised students in his online MasterClass to bang their heads against their desks for at least ten times a day. “Authors ranging from Agatha Christie to William Shakespeare banged their heads against their desks at one point in their lives, sometimes more than twenty times a day, and they have sold 2 to 4 billion books each. There’s no reason you can’t do it,” said Patterson. “You simply have to persevere. I know I did. I don’t know where I would’ve gotten had I not banged my head against my coffee table every morning.”
But banging one’s head to break writer’s block may not be that simple. Writers who wish to employ the strategy have to take into account the material of the desktop, the mass and acceleration of the head, the angle of the head to the desk, and a multiplicity of variables. “Everyone is different,” said John Grisham. “And every book is different. I didn’t have to do that to myself when I wrote A Time to Kill, but, man, did I have to break my skull to finish The Brethren. It’s sort of a trial-and-error sort of thing.”
Some detractors point to a positive correlation between banging heads and major depression, claiming that repeated blows to the head may have a negative impact on mental health. Experts, however, assure writers that the practice is safe. “One must not confuse correlation with causation,” said prolific author and world-renowned thinker Dan Dennett. “We have reason to believe that writers who bang their heads tend to be depressed, but that doesn’t mean their depression is caused by these sub-concussive blows. In fact, it is probably the other way around: Depression causes people to hit their ugly melons.”