WARSAW—In a restricted military area in the territory village of Stare Kiejkuty, the CIA and the Polish national intelligence agency attempted to extract information by means of methods widely condemned as torture from Polish-born Karolina Chimchenko, 26, who defected to Chechnya five years ago to join Marxist guerrillas.
Sources alleged that the Polish national intelligence agency, Agencja Wywiadu, seized Chimchenko and three other targets from her home last Tuesday. The operatives bound her to a gargantuan kielbasa and commenced interrogation, making her listen to the Meow Mix Song for 72 hours. While the other prisoners sang like canaries, Chimchenko seemed immune to psychological torture, staying tight-lipped until she blurted out, “This Meow Mix song is actually pretty nice; I can listen to it all day every day. God, I love cats.”
CIA operatives tried physical torture instead, forcing Chimchenko, a light smoker, to smoke a pack of Newports per day. Surprising the agents, Chimchenko reportedly stated, “For the record, I prefer Marlboro Reds. But Newports are okay, I guess.”
The imperturbable guerrilla escaped from the Stare Kiejkuty military base yesterday after slipping cyanide into a facility water fountain, killing a dozen agents. Chimchenko remains at large and is thought to be armed and dangerous. Polish authorities urge citizens and tourists to exercise “extreme caution” should they encounter her.