Breaking News

Chimchenko keeps mouth shut during brutal interrogation, escapes from CIA black site

Three Chechen radicals open their mouths while Karolina Chimchenko keeps hers shut.

WARSAW—In a restricted military area in the territory village of Stare Kiejkuty, the CIA and the Polish national intelligence agency attempted to extract  information by means of methods widely condemned as torture from Polish-born Karolina Chimchenko, 26, who defected to Chechnya five years ago to join Marxist guerrillas.

Sources alleged that the Polish national intelligence agency, Agencja Wywiadu, seized Chimchenko and three other targets from her home last Tuesday. The operatives bound her to a gargantuan kielbasa and commenced interrogation, making her listen to the Meow Mix Song for 72 hours. While the other prisoners sang like canaries, Chimchenko seemed immune to psychological torture, staying tight-lipped until she blurted out, “This Meow Mix song is actually pretty nice; I can listen to it all day every day. God, I love cats.”

chimchenko2

During interrogation, Chimchenko stares placidly out the window of a cell in the Stare Kiejkuty military base.

CIA operatives tried physical torture instead, forcing Chimchenko, a light smoker, to smoke a pack of Newports per day. Surprising the agents, Chimchenko reportedly stated, “For the record, I prefer Marlboro Reds. But Newports are okay, I guess.”

The imperturbable guerrilla escaped from the Stare Kiejkuty military base yesterday after slipping cyanide into a facility water fountain, killing a dozen agents. Chimchenko remains at large and is thought to be armed and dangerous. Polish authorities urge citizens and tourists to exercise “extreme caution” should they encounter her.

About Bald Beagle (86 Articles)
We are a satirical news source that welcomes contributors of all shapes and sizes. We love you. Will you love us back?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: