EVANSTON, IL—Overly enthusiastic students at a university in Evanston repeatedly violated their new classmate’s personal space on Monday.

Jesse, 25, smiled wryly as students lined up left and right, eager to touch him.

“I don’t know why the fuck they were touching me,” he said. “But I’m a nice guy, so I’ll pretend I like it.”

The victim of the gratuitous touching had a particularly hard time faking his pleasure while an unidentified man touched him on the right shoulder.

Some witnesses have notified law enforcement, claiming that such touching may constitute sexual harassment.

“I guess I’ll just have to learn to say ‘no’,” said Jesse.

Categories: Education