CNN robot Wolf Blitzer now runs on Windows 95.

Computer technicians installed Windows 95 in CNN robot Wolf Blitzer after the monotonous anchor stuttered, sputtered, and crashed on live television.

“The House (gasp) Intelligence Committee investigation is looking into whether, uh, the Russians colluded with Trump associates (gasp) and you’re working in coordination with the FBI (gasp) criminal investigation (gasp) that James Comey … Beep! Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!” the Blitzer machine said before it quit.

“Mr. Blitzer went on the fritz and showed us the blue screen of death,” said CNN savior Anderson Cooper. “We pressed ‘ctrl + alt + delete’ a dozen times, then finally gave up and replaced half of his hardware and put in the brand new Windows system.”

Sources confirmed that the hoary Blitzer machine now has a new taskbar and a “Start” button.

Robot TV personalities are commonplace in American news networks. Some artificial intelligence anchors at MSNBC allegedly run on macOS 10.2 Sierra. Fox News’s Bill O’Reilly runs on Windows XP, though he is infected with multiple Trojan Horse viruses after being hacked by Russians.

Categories: Science

Tags: Anderson Cooper, Bill O'Reilly, CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, Russian hacking, satire, Windows, Wolf Blitzer