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Single cactus at Home Depot longs for love and better living conditions

Billy the Opuntia microdasys is tired of being single at a Home Depot known for cactus rights abuses.

ALBUQUERQUE—A cactus at Home Depot is fed up with his living condition, and is reaching out to the plant kingdom in the hopes of finding a better home and a succulent lover.

Billy, an Opuntia microdasys, has been sitting alone in a claustrophobic pot at Home Depot for the past four years. Though he is by nature patient and soft-spoken, Billy has recently been more vocal. He told reporters, “A bit of water every eight months and no one wants to touch me because I’m so prickly. Go ahead and kill me, will ya?”

The cactus has repeatedly stressed in no uncertain terms that he is in dire need of a better home and a succulent partner; however, the dating scene at Home Depot is far from ideal. “C’mon, dude. Really? You put me under this soul-sucking fluorescent light and expect me to be sexually attractive?” he complained. “No, really. I’m not interested in college kids looking to spruce up their dorm rooms or fat, balding men looking for printer paper.”

Witnesses at Home Depot agreed. Tony, a garden-variety Mammilaria, decried the cactus rights abuses perpetrated by the staff at Home Depot, claiming that the lack of natural sunlight and incessant air conditioning have caused him and his peers to become etiolated and unattractive.

One cactus lamented, “Here at Home Depot, we are either late bloomers or non-bloomers. Unfortunately, most of us are non-bloomers.”

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