FREETOWN, MA–Somehow managing to simultaneously snorkel and snort cocaine, Sarah Sandoval, 23, announced that she is “finally happy and free” after her boyfriend, Richard Weiner, 26, broke up with her.
“I want you to be happy and free,” he told her before the breakup. “That’s the real reason I’m breaking up with you.”
Upon hearing this, Sandoval withdrew 95% of her life savings to purchase the latest Chanel purse. She also chain-smoked for five days straight and relished every nicotine rush this newfound hobby gave her. She then ran out of drugs and other psychoactive substances, but found a new kind of high, dancing for six hours straight in the local nightclub, oblivious to the two creepy dudes grinding against her behind.
“I never thought about it like that before,” Sandoval mused. “How creative! Breaking up with me so that I can be happy and free. Oui!”
Sandoval was last seen throwing money at homeless people and telling them to be happy and free as well. Richard Weiner reportedly said that he feels happy about his ex-girlfriend being happy and free, and was last seen swiping right on every Tinder profile he saw.